What’s up with you needing to tell me you’re a ‘native New Yorker’ thru your license plate? Is it like ‘babe, we should move over. There’s a native New Yorker coming up behind us’?
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They really need to stop hyping up these storms because I bought a lot of doritos and the power didn’t even go out.
going ballistic.
anyone need anything?
I’ve always been a late bloomer. Everyone is going on about Barbie and Oppenheimer and I’m still here posting my wordle
Her: My father is very upset that I’m your girlfriend.
Me: Well, duh, I’m very upset that you’re my girlfriend…
“How would you describe the woman who attacked you?”
*Describes mother*
*Gets a copy of picture*
*Gives it to mum as late birthday present*
[drive thru]
GUY ON INTERCOM: can I help you
ME: yeah are you guys open
me: *knocks on door* are you naked?
boss: just come in!
Bank robber: Follow my instructions and no one gets hurt.
Me: Okay.
Bank robber: Empty the safe and put it in the bag!
Me: Put the empty safe in the bag?
Bank robber: Do you want me to draw my gun?
Me: Okay. I’ll get you a pencil.
When my sister went into labour I was 13.
It was at 03, we shared a room. She woke me up saying, “I think I’m in labour.” I told her, “No you’re not go back to sleep.” Me, a 13 year old who knew nothing. Even her she listened . My mum was sooo pissed in the morning 💀
Confuse future archeologists by burying your pets in elaborate military uniforms.
I used to wave my hands in the air like I just don’t care, but now I just wave them because I get more steps on my FitBit
dog lover: [holding dog] this is my fur baby
me: [holding baby] this is my skin puppy
The meat served in IKEA’s restaurant is made of people who couldn’t find the way out.
So i said to Arnie “Where did you get those toilet rolls??”
He said “Aisle B, Back.”
The dog hair situation became dire and I had to lint-roll my face.
Both my kids start crying the second they wake up. They must get that from me.
cdc: corona lives on countertops for hours
my cat: *slowly pushes it off*
*turns TV off*
“THEY HAD CAMERAS EVERYWHERE BUT NOBODY SAW THE TOYS WALKING AROUND?!”– me every time I watch Toy Story 3
Jellyfish 1: i’m so lonely
Jellyfish 2: you should try dating
Jellyfish 1: idk maybe
Jellyfish 2: *motions to cute girl* i think she’s flirting with you
Jellyfish 1: *enamoured* who is she?
Plastic bag:
My nose won’t stop running.
But, to be fair, it’s the only part of my body that’s still in shape.
How long before your caterpillars will turn into butterflies?
Me looking at your eyebrows
Husband: Did you eat the leftovers?
Me: No.
H: Who did then?
Me: Ninjas.
H: (sigh) There are no ninjas.
Me: They’re very good ninjas.
Buying a smart car seems like a good idea until you hit a squirrel and flip over a few times.
Regional Manager added me to the wrong Slack channel at work. There were discussions on overlooking 3 certain people for promotions & ideas on how to get them fired, because they were in a union. Long story short, I’m the regional manager now and the 3 people got their promotions
[About to have sex]
Girl: Do you have a condom?Me: Yeah
*bird screaching*
Girl: I said condom not condor
Me: *taking condom from bird’s beak* Good boy Rory.
Girl:
Me: Don’t you feel stupid now?
I fake the art of fainting so well my favorite restaurant now refers to me as “Low Blood Sugar Girl” while rushing my limp body to a table.
Robin: Your ad says you’re looking for a side chick?
Batman: Sidekick
Robin: Close enough
I try to explain to my kids during the movie that in reality, even a cowardly lion would eat a girl and a little dog.
[outside of bank]
Guy (puts on pantyhose mask): Ok!
Guy 2 (puts on mask): Ready!
Me (wearing pantyhose): Ok, I’m gonna need a minute.
If you wash cheese with antibacterial soap, it turns back into milk.