Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

we don’t understand the earliest recorded jokes from ancient mesopotamia because we lack necessary context. what if there’s a guy in 4,000 years like “my theory is they had specially trained shrimp that did all of the rice frying”

Finally, a cream that replaces me with another person

Houdini, running out of ideas: Watch and marvel as I escape from this predatory timeshare contract!

Going to pronounce fecal like decal

Please donate 30$ to my child’s school funrun so she can get a pencil as a prize, thank you

My husband just told me the scariest thing that a husband should never tell his wife. “I think I’m getting sick.”

Voted most likely to power walk into a volcano

Next on CNN, 600 hours of guessing what happened to a plane.

My kid: Hey mom, do we stop growing when we get older?
Me: *with a mouthful of mashed potatoes* Not in my experience honey

Before college I didn’t have a degree, or money, or any idea what I was doing with my life. But NOW I have a degree.

me: will i go to jail in the future

psychic: no

me: gimme your wallet and empty the register

Her: You spent our entire life savings on dogs

Me: They’re golden retrievers, Karen. They retrieve gold. I did it for us

WIFE: You’re embarrassing, ridiculous and an ill informed pseudo intellectual.

ME: “Your”

DIET TIP: don’t eat chips right out of the bag. Get out just enough to eat until the pizza guy gets there.

My high school guidance counselor asked what kind of job I wanted and I said “probably something laid back where you can just sit in an office and play solitaire.” She said “those jobs don’t exist.” I was like “oh—well how did you become a high school guidance counselor?”

When a child loses a tooth, some parents put a dollar under their pillow. Other parents leave a book called, “Your Disintegrating Body.”

Me: I’m bored
Dad: hi bored I’m dad
Me: I’m hungry
Dad: hi hungry I’m dad
Me: I’m here’s 20 dollars
Dad: hi here’s 20 dollars
Me: thanks dad

Me: get murdered or die trying amirite

Doctor: then you have three months to get murdered

If you see my kid on zoom in the same clothes he’s been wearing the past five days mind your business our homeschool has a uniform.

A friend will bail you out of jail, a best friend knows the password to your phone so they can delete all your nude selfies if you die

You come home early and catch the cat eating with a knife and fork at the table. You stare at each other unsure of the next move.

Me: Want to go to your classmate’s birthday party?

7yo: Yes, I love him! He’s my favorite! We’re best friends!

Me: What does he like so we can get him a present?

7yo: I don’t know.

1 star recipe reviews are always like “I replaced the sugar with flax seed and butter with spinach and these pancakes came out dry and gross. Do not recommend”

I don’t want to be hot. I don’t want to be sexy. I want to live under a bridge and refuse to let goats pass over it unless they successfully answer my three riddles.

[1st date]
Her: we should keep religion out of this
*religion gets up & leaves the table*
Me: see what u did? *I get up and chase after it*

Sometimes I think I’m in love with the woman who drops off the Amazon packages, and sometimes I realize I’m having a Pavlovian response.

*comes into work with a sore throat*
*licks everyone’s face*

“Oh, hey! I didn’t even recognize you!” means “I saw you and tried to avoid you, but here you are.”

I only took my daughter to work with me once when she was little.
She cried cos she was expecting to see all the clowns I said I worked with.