Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“we have guests, go get me the fancy snail teapot”

Finally; someone explained Bitcoin in a way I can understand

Me: Forgive me father for I have sinned. I’m here to cleanse my conscience.

Bartender: So…the usual?

Netflix to unveil new ad sponsored content in a move that industry executives call “Television.”

Them: are you sad because you eat or do you eat because you’re sad?

Me: *takes long, slow drag of egg roll* look kid…

Quit blaming your iPhone. You meant to say “furbenglurbrn.”

“omg you’re filtered.. If you ever go missing no one will recognize you to find you”

Ummmm I’m not seeing the down side here

Bury me next to a kangaroo skeleton and put boxing gloves on me.

BOSS: I have some tough news

INVISIBLE MAN: Go on

BOSS: HR says we need to hire more “Visible” minorities

INVISIBLE MAN: This is bullshit

i’m angry no one’s ever pranked me by having 10 pizzas delivered that i didn’t order

REPORTER: How do you feel after serving 6 months under house arrest?

ME: I did not realize that had started.

Trying to imagine what it’d take for me to yell at a server. Like if I ordered an omelette and they brought me a bowl of rats? But I’d probably still just be like “I’m sorry, you seem to have brought me someone else’s bowl of rats.”

[my 1st day at press conference sign language translator job I lied on my résumé to get]

ME: *does Madonna’s Vogue choreography for 45 min*

Me: babe, I don’t mean to be THAT person but you breathe way too loud & I can’t fall asleep.

*Vader grabs a blanket & moves to the couch*

I believe it was the great and ancient philosophers who once foretold a most wise and accurate existential statement that transcends all time and space: I fuck around, therefore I find out.

I pet my dog and she started to purr. Thought I should lay off the drugs until I realized the cat was sitting behind her.

I like to skip when I’m carrying my flamethrower cause no one ever suspects a skipping girl of starting fires.

Was going to rob a bank today, but the pen was chained to the desk.

To myself: ” Try and look like you know what you’re talking about in front of the mechanic. You’re a smart woman, don’t play dumb or you’re gonna get ripped off”

Me at the mechanic: “Car vroom sounds tikatikatika. Tee hee” *hands over credit card

Son: Can I have pizza for breakfast?

Wife: No.

Son: Why not?

Wife: You want to jump in here?

Me: Let’s see where he’s going with this.

I think I read my job description wrong because the senior analyst didn’t appreciate this comprehensive report on my coworkers lunch routines

[at Starbucks]

Barista: Coffee?

Me: Yes, a medium please

Coffee: I’m strongly sensing the presence of your great grand aunt Lucille

I hate it when people think I’m staring when really I’m trying to kill them with my mind.

Eating at restaurant with Mom after her doc appointment when phone rings

Me: *phone rings* Hello? Okay. I’m not at my laptop so I can’t answer you but don’t worry—I’m eating an ice cream sundae about it right now.

I’m so glad we have a house full of toys for me to trip over so my child can run around happily clutching an old dvd

Was told I can’t use Wi-Fi at McDonald’s unless I eat. So I am bringing a peanut butter sandwich.

Cereal box mascots would destroy sports team mascots in a fight and it wouldn’t even be close

Critical people b like: I’m not critical, I can just see faults better.

I have a tattoo of a tiger shirt underneath my tiger shirt so when I take off my tiger shirt BOOM tiger shirt