Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Throughout the entire Twilight saga, there are over 24 minutes of just staring.

So apparently in Las Vegas if you leave the “do not disturb” sign on your hotel door for more than 72 hours they automatically send over a police officer to make sure you’re still alive. Steve was very nice.

The happy life.. 😊

The problem with hosting a party at my house is I can’t leave the party early and go home.

therapist: if you wanna be sad, be sad

me: I cannot stress how far ahead of you I am on this one

idk flipping houses looks really hard

Me: How many chicken nuggets do you want tonight?
7yo: 100
Me: As a guide, you usually have 4-6
7yo (thinking): 30

To the raisin I just beat to death with my shoe..
Eww! I thought you were a spider.
Eww! Someone’s bringing raisins in my house.

When I said I liked it rough.

[first day working at Viagra]

BOSS: We need a new slogan.

ME: *sweating* This is really hard.

BOSS: You’re a goddamn genius, Johnson.

[me, watching Alfred Hitchcock’s The Birds] oh, there they are

Movie Exec: Give me 3 realistic ideas or you’re fired

Me: A rat becomes a chef

Movie Exec: ok

Me: A dog plays basketball

Movie Exec: Good

Me: A main character has a bottom row locker at school

Movie Exec: Get out

PARENTS: when we were ur age we bought a house for $10,000

ME: oh yeah? well did u have.. THIS?!

*gestures to 114 gross Oreo flavors*

GOD: why aren’t there more plants on earth?

ANGEL: the snails are doing a bad job of pollinating the flowers

GOD: ok then let’s go to plan bee

My goal was to look good in a bikini this summer, but the call of the warm bread dipped in oil is stronger.

Isn’t that the name of the guy that played Sherlock Holmes?

Nothing more humbling than being at a karaoke birthday party with a bunch of singers.

Can you imagine how awkward it would be if your pet went on your phone and found the 1000s of pictures you have of them sleeping

oh you love me? name every curb i’ve ever hit while driving

Hot singles over 40 in your area are curious what you use for joint pain and inflammation.

(Watching him change a flat tire)

Him: Grab the jack. We’re gonna need it

Me: We sure will

(Hands him the bottle)

Him: The CAR jack

Am I…are we… is this a date? *elevator opens & he leaves*

I may have failed as a lifeguard in myriad ways, but don’t you dare say I wasn’t punctual.

Tomorrow I’m going to start using big words to sound smart….Sorry, I meant utilizing gargantuan idioms to simulate intelligence

Every now and then something happens on TikTok that transcends social media and becomes a *work of art*

I just read an Amazon review (not for one of my books) that said “it feels like the author was just making it up as they went along” and I can’t stop laughing. Like, dude, I hate to tell you this…

🚲+physics = winner

“Once we come down off this wall we’ll be on the lam. That means we’re fugitives, laying low, on the run…”

– condescending con descending

How come cats make the only sexy Halloween costumes? What’s wrong with a sexy llama or a sexy sloth or something?

I’m worried that if there is ever a fire at my house, my kids will ignore the smoke detectors and sit down at the dinner table.