What’s with hiking? Leave nature alone, weirdos.
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The other night enough comedian friends complimented my sweater that I became certain they were making fun of me.
Wicked Witch: “I’ll get you and your little dog too!”
Toto: “Da f**k I do?”
When I said “I’m really good in bed” I was referring to sleeping. Sorry for the misunderstanding, you can pull your pants up now.
4-year-old: “Frozen” is on TV!
Me: We have it on DVD. And Blu-ray. And digital download.
4: Yeah, but this one is on right now.
You give me that many goddamn birds for one f****** holiday and I’m grilling the shit out of them. Lemon pepper turtle doves, anyone?
Darude Sandstorm is my favorite pokemon
280 characters, baby, and you know what that means:
OXFORD COMMAS.
OXFORD COMMAS AS FAR AS THE EYE CAN SEE!
“No pain no gain” I whisper shoving in my 8th donut.
all pants are breakaway pants if you’re angry enough
im gay on my mothers side
don’t feel bad if you don’t succeed on your first try. it took Michael Angelo sixteen chapels
My kid has been collecting money she finds around the house for years, I was short some cash and she let me borrow some, as long as I repay her, so now I owe her money for borrowing my money. Is it too soon to enroll her in business school?
Seaweed is great for when you want to eat pure salt but wish it had the texture of slime.
Man goes to a Doctor.
“Every time I attempt to pass water it hurts”
“Does it burn?”
“I don’t know, I’ve never tried to set fire to it”
#parenting
Please. Stop. Tweeting. Stop. Like. Stop.This.Stop. It. Stop. Looks.stop.Like.stop A stop.Telegram.stop so. Stop. Please. Stop!
waiter: would you like a box
me: how is it prepared
Librarian: Shhh!
Me: *changes blender to low setting*
Shout out to my self-aware friends, you know who you are
Ha, my 6-year-old thought bridesmaids stood at the altar so the groom could choose which one to marry… actually, let’s not dismiss this idea
There was romance over dinner last night.
Me to my husband: If we weren’t married, I’d marry you based on these potatoes.
So many mixed messages in the media. Titanic tells us “never let go.” Frozen says “let it go.” Smdh
Dating is like a 2-day-old box of chocolates.
The good ones are already taken.
“Olive Garden: When you’re here, you’re family.”
*My grandma tells the waitress she looks tired*
My kid asked what fornicate meant and I panicked and said it meant to hold political office
waiter: are there any allergies at the table?
me (already drunk): BEES
Inventor of the ceiling fan: It has two speeds: off and Mach 2
Friend: What?
Inventor: There’s also a switch on it so no one will know which way it’s supposed to turn
Friend: Who hurt you?
me: when is the last time you had a bath?
4: tomorrow
My rock bottom keeps refreshing
You’re not my real can
