What’s with people who say food looks too pretty to eat???
Umm, no, you crazy idiot, just pass that plate to me.👍😋😃
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[on a date with a european]
Hmmm fascinating. Can you tell me about what 400 year old blood feuds your family is involved in?
You know it’s a BBQ type holiday weekend when there are a thousand people in the spice aisle at the grocery store just staring at the spices
Husband: You should get your hair cut.
Miss 11: If I get my hair cut I’m not giving you any
Flight attendant: Is there a Dr. on this flight?
Dad: that should’ve been you
Me: Not now Dad
Dad: Maybe you can flippy Mctwisty him back to health
Me: Dad, there’s an emergency
Dad: use your “always special” cheat code
Me: But we’re in first class and I paid for our flight
I feel like I’d do well in a zombie apocalypse. Not from survival or fighting skills. I just think the zombies would just recognize my similar dislike of moving quickly and enjoyment of biting people and accept me as one of their own.
[god creating kangaroos]
Let’s make a horse rabbit.
You can’t live on Cheetos and Oreos alone.
But God knows I’ve tried.
A ballerina walks into a barre. Embarrassed, she splits.
Just saw a bird run across the street if you were wondering if anyone else is wasting their gifts.
“Babe I wanna ask you something”
*gets down on one knee*
“When The Little Mermaid became human, how’d she know to use a toilet?”
*ties shoe*
My dream is to witness a brawl in a McDonald’s and then be the first guy to try to order after things die down.
Shah Jahan built the Taj Mahal as a tribute to his wife but sure, the book shelf looks great.
Shoulder devil: Do it! Do it!
Shoulder angel:
Shoulder devil: Oh he long gone
Oceans 11? When I went to school there were just 5
Fine. I’ll rush you to the hospital, but then we’re doing what I want.
What’sApp
Me: Mom, what’s for dinner?
Mom : typing …*gets married*
*have kids*
*gets old*
*dies*
*goes to hell*Mom: Fish, honey!
Our friends have canceled our dinner plans 3 nights in a row …. I’m starting to think they really don’t like dinner.
This cop is acting like he never saw anyone drive while making waffles before.
Cop: your under arrest
Me: you’re* under arrest
2nd Cop: [handcuffing 1st cop] sorry Ed, but he’s right
why do we park in the driveway but fetishize an impossible and ridiculous masculinity on the hemingway
Wizard: Give me a burger
Waiter: what’s the magic word?
Wizard: Abracadabra
Waiter: *now a hamster* I meant please, but ok
I don’t have a reason to post this I just love it
My friend is looking for a single, normal, well adjusted man. I told her to avoid twitter.
Rich people go to parties. It’s what they do. And somehow we must all watch videos of it.
What doesn’t kill you makes you tired af holy shit
BUT YOU SAID IF I WANTED TO BE YOUR LOVER, I HAD TO GET WITH YOUR FRIENDS!
If you think you’re having a bad morning, my son is crying because his sock doesn’t feel right.
Interesting how Lassie always happens to be at the scene when a kid “falls” down a well.
Alexa play Metallica…
Alexa play Metallica…
Alexa play Metallica…
Wife: what are you doing?
Me: Trying to get this piece of shit to play some music
Wife: Well 1st off, that’s my coffee thermos you moron…
PROCTOLOGIST: *removes thermometer* ok this isn’t good
ME: what
PROCTOLOGIST: it’s not the one I put in there