What’s with people who say food looks too pretty to eat???
Umm, no, you crazy idiot, just pass that plate to me.👍😋😃
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“This is the worst karaoke bar I’ve ever been in!”
– me whenever my wife sings while driving.
“Oooo, a window. Let’s see if I can fly through it.” – Dumbass birds
just saw a guy tweet “be a good kitten and behave for daddy” lmao bro have u ever met a cat??
[My son watching a film set in Victorian England]: It’s like they are speaking cursive.
Need tips on making something look like an accident.
Directions: Allow food to sit and cool for five minutes before eating.
Me: No.
if a cop pulls u over play dead
Material possessions mean nothing to me.
*breaks phone*
I don’t think I can make it through this week.
I was once bitten by a bear because I stuck my hand in a bear cage, in case you want to know what kind of decisions I have the potential to make.
I never got into House MD because it was too farfetched. A doctor who’s rude and doesn’t listen to you?
When I walk into a car dealership, I bring twenty senior citizens that are dying to talk to someone, so I can look at vehicles in peace
ME: [on my deathbed] this is pretty nice
MATTRESS STORE SALESMAN: sir, you can’t die here
Mood: Shredding documents but realizing I didn’t double check if they were the correct ones and now frantically searching for the Undo button on the shredder
I think illegal drugs are just the government trying to teach the metric system on the sly.
When someone you don’t like is eating them, chips sound like 1000 asteroids smashing into the polar ice caps.
[Reporting live on scene]
Weatherman: how much rain are you seeing?
Me: Christ Gary, all of it.
old people like to golf every day because they are so sick of everyone’s shit and just wanna repeatedly whack something
me, waiting for the doctor on the exam table
Exercised.
Burned 94 calories.
Exercise made me hungry.
Ate 940 calories.
why just edible underwear? why not an entire edible wardrobe? i wanna eat a parka off my wife before sex
popsicle not seeing heaven 😭
Underrated benefit of being a divorce lawyer in a small town: I have a trusted mechanic, roofer, hairdresser, nurse practitioner, painter, veterinarian, and plumber that I can dial up in any emergency.
Insomnia: she’s not going to sleep again and it’s all your fault
Coffee: she likes me strong and takes me late at night
Me: can you two stop talking about me like I’m not right here
Of all my mistakes, you were the mistakiest
its raining men! hallelu..*thud* omg are you ok? *thud* oh sweet jesus! *thud* *thud* oh the horror! *thud* WHY GOD? WHYYYY??
Twitter: yo don’t say stimulus say stimmy
Me: hey did u hear taylor won another gramulus
“Forgive me, I’m a terrible flort”
“Don’t you mean flirt?”
*starts florting*
“OMFG. WTF is that?!”
shout outs to the guy at work tonight playing pool with his friend who asked me to play “Everlong” by foo fighters so he could “power up”, followed by his friend very sweetly and very earnestly asking me not to play it because he would “power up”
There should be a guy with a leaf blower to dry my hands in the washroom at Home Depot.