What’s with people who say food looks too pretty to eat???
Umm, no, you crazy idiot, just pass that plate to me.👍😋😃
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“Honey,can u make the dinner reservations for 3 instead of 2 tonight? Debby’s coming”
“We’re not bring ur new chainsaw-”
“HER NAME’S DEBBY”
Benefits of dating me:
1. You’re the smart one
Being illiterate and having a girlfriend would be easy. They’d be like “did you get my text?” and you could just be like “I can’t read.”
I just sneezed my wife awake from a nap so any discussion about renewing vows is on hold for a bit.
I love how Presidents will pardon a turkey and then eat a different turkey.
Bomb Squad: it’s going to explode if anyone makes any sudden movements
Officer: oh no
Hostage: oh no
Kool Aid Man: OH Y
Apparently, if you scream into a pillow at Target you have to buy it.
There are approximately zero ways to chase paper in the wind without looking like the village idiot
Life Hack: In any hipster coffee shop, say “You haven’t seen The Wire?” and in the ensuing commotion, leave without paying.
Metallica’s “Nothing Else Matters” is my favorite song about that 5 minutes of sleep before the alarm goes off.
Drafting a lengthy preamble to a meeting I’m running helps to set the tone, provide context, and guarantee that I’m never asked to run a meeting again
[being rescued from a deserted island]
me: oh thank god…I haven’t bathed in weeks
them: again…this is just day 2 of a 5 day cruise
When I call back Domino’s a second time to let them know it’s been over an hour and my pizza still hasn’t been delivered.
[White Castle]
YOU (a slob): 6 hamburgers, please.
ME (a health nut): 5 hamburgers, please.
I offered Kinkos $5 for this… they said no.
WIFE: What the…?
ME: I’m teaching him to play piano.
W: You idiot!
M *covering chicken’s ears*: Not in front of Johann Sebastian Bock-Bock
I HAVE FINALLY MET MY DREAM MAN
“What attracted you to our company?”
Well, I heard you pay money in exchange for work
Yes, my kid will do the required amount of maths homework for a 6yo… when he has kids and they turn 6.
I promised my kids a genuine New Year’s party: I’ll be putting on my biggest earrings and nicest sweat pants standing on a chair in the kitchen and dropping a ball on their heads
I am pretty impressed with the woman that created the algorithm to take the first photo of a black hole. Especially because it took me four tries to correctly spell the word “algorithm.”
[bankruptcy court]
JUDGE: *rubbing bridge of nose* Says here you bought 1000 bouncy castles?
ME: *lips on mic* For my kingdom, Your Honor
Pro-tip to avoid corona-virus
Eat garlic.
Lots of garlic.
It won’t do anything against the virus, but it will keep other people away.
Whenever I meet a new baby, I stand still and let it come up to me and smell my hand first before I try to pet it
Drinking alcohol before pregnancy can cause pregnancy.
Not sure which is more alarming: English wine or English bears?
We’ve secretly replaced Janet’s coffee with melatonin capsules. Let’s see if— okay yeah, she noticed. She looks pissed. Sleepy, but pissed…
I drove my new Corvette over to see my daughter’s puppy. First time I took my Vette to the dog.
Make sure you lock your car doors so no one steals your half empty water bottles.