What’s with people who say food looks too pretty to eat???
Umm, no, you crazy idiot, just pass that plate to me.👍😋😃
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[Approaches table]
Me: Can I buy you a drink?
Him: This is an AA meeting.
Me: Oh, I’m sorry. Can I buy you some drugs?
“I could really use a side piece” was a phrase I uttered that didn’t help my jigsaw puzzle or my marriage.
Wearing oven mitts and clicking BBQ tongs:
Ok I’ll look at that rash now.
Saw a bumper sticker today that said Choose Life. I can think of 10 other cereals I’d choose first.
May he without sin cast the first stone
[Everybody picks up rocks]
Sharing Netflix passwords counts as sin
[Everybody puts rocks back down]
I guess if Porky Pig wants to flash someone, he just takes off his bowtie?
As my friend Joe’s last wish I had him cremated and sprinkled his ashes into the coffee pots at work..all morning everyone had a cup of Joe
“How can I waste ten seconds of someone’s time and make total strangers hate me?”
– Credit card chip inventor
– Me, writing tweets
Follow me for more exotic Minnesota cuisine
Me in the summer: wow I can’t believe I have to actually do things when it’s sunny and beautiful outside
Me in the winter: wow I can’t believe I have to actually do things when it’s snowy and cold outside
*rage dresses
*rage stomps down stairs
*rage closes neighbors banging garbage can lid flapping in wind
*rage stomps upstairs
*rage undresses
me: for lent i’m giving up kids
kids: what?
me: [pushing kids out the door into the snow] i gotta do it for God
“You’re never going to believe this, but my doctor just told me I’ve got a protein deficiency.”
“No whey!”
Props to just stopping in the middle of the grocery aisle. Personally never tried it, but it seems big.
The trick to successfully backing out of a parking space is to not care what happens to you or anyone else.
Any 4 pics of Alan Rickman together looks like an amazing 80’s new wave band you wish existed.
End any unnecessary conversations by saying ‘Activate Plan B’ into your pretend shoulder radio.
The joke is on this spin class instructor.
My water bottle is full of Bacon Bits.
Dons gloves and bandana.
Saunters into restaurant.
THIS IS A TAKE OUT!
and now a text from my mom:
are you okay??? you didn’t like my fb post about making jam, so I got worried
Pretty certain that wife and I would win the gold in the Olympic event of rage loading the dishwasher
God created women and the devil taught her to smile.
[Jedi Training]
TRAINER: Any questions?
STUDENT: Can the Force be with me?
TRAINER: I don’t know…CAN it?
STUDENT: Oh right…May the Force
Life hack: if you run out of treadmill space for your clothes get a piano
Doing the New York Times crossword puzzle in pen means you’re smart unless you’re doing it on an iPad.
I doubt God made us in his image, because Snooki.
The door is closed? I want in. The door is open? I want out. Actually I just want to sit in the door frame itself. – Pets
Now that 1 in every 3 people cheats in their relationships,I’m left wondering. . .Is it my wife or my girlfriend that’s cheating?
When the aliens decide to show up from whatever other dimension they are really from, can they please return all my lost socks and bobby pins, thaanks.
No one is as glued to any piece of reading material as a parent counting down the songs in the program of a really boring school concert.