What’s with the attitude? I don’t know what’s gotten into you but I know what hasn’t.
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My Mexican dad before we went to go see Wakanda Forever: so Namor, it means like “no love?” Is that part of his character?
Me: no dad, that’s just been the character’s name since 1939.
Namor in the movie: so I took that as my name, “Namor,” the child without love!
My dad:
professor x: your 2 year old is not a mutant
me: but he knows which foods he hates BEFORE HE’S TRIED THEM
“just great, I’ve lost my house my wife is leaving and my kids hate me how can this day get any worse”
-A dinosaur, 66 million years ago
Avoid getting crumbs in your bed by eating in your kid’s bed.
[closes book, slowly removes glasses, and thoughtfully cleans them with a small cloth] I honestly don’t think Waldo is in there
{abducted by aliens}
Hey guys…what’s your wi-fi password?
Fantasy:
We run in slow motion toward each other across an open field.
Her side is mined.
‘Here Comes Honey Boo Boo’ is the reason I always donate money to Planned Parenthood.
If you find what your other half shows you on their phone funny and they find what you show them on your phone funny, it’s an indication that you’re not married.
Billion dollar idea: An app that sends you a text when the light turns green.
This is Walter. You just threw bubbles at him and he cannot fathom where you got the audacity. 12/10
Flat earthers be like ‘you wanna go bowling’ and then start throwing frisbees at the pins.
I hate it when people find out what food you hate and then swear you’ve never had it when it’s ripe or prepared properly.
“You’re right! I’ve been eating it off the floor. That’s the problem. Teach me how to live.”
My children are now grown up and have recently left home. Now the wife can tell when I eat a packet of biscuits all to myself. Thinking of getting a dog.
Your brain needs exercise just as much as your body does
That’s why I think of running everyday
If Jennifer Love Hewitt so much, maybe she should marry her!
I always keep a baseball bat under my bed. You know, in case someone breaks in and throws a ball at me.
“I’d totally have sex with that guy if he roared his engine louder!”
-nobody ever
friend: you have to stop envying every single person you know when they find success in something you haven’t. it’s destroying your mental health and poisoning your relationships with your friends.
me: (immediately envious of their maturity and clarity of thought) right. totally
Mother Using Facebook Night Mode Afraid She’s Stumbled Onto Dark Web
Therapy isn’t enough. I need to run my brain through the dishwasher.
So, showing you my sweet excel spreadsheet formulas ISN’T foreplay? I really don’t know what to do with that information.
If I had laser hair I would never get that shit removed.
I just spilled a bag of popcorn kernels…but, I’m sure you guys heard my wife yelling & already knew that.
Student Teacher: okay class, who knows what an oxymoron is
Kid: you’re an oxymoron
Student Teacher: well yes technically that is correct
[My first day as an architecture major]
*raises hand*
When are we going to learn how to build gingerbread houses?
I believe that growing up watching Porky Pig cartoons have contributed to my lack of pants.
Did you know that Icy Hot remains on your fingers 6 hours after application? Well I do, because I wear contacts.
Gotta get to bed early-tomorrow I’m bringing down the recycling
I took my dog for a walk last night and forgot something at home: the dog. I forgot the dog. Menopause is fun.