Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If someone lends you their audio book, try not to lose it. You’ll never hear the end of it.

Why do zombies all have such shitty clothes?! It’s like you JUST died, how did you mess up your shirt that bad

*aggressively waits in line*

Child protective services?

Who’s protecting the parents Huh?

WHO’S PROTECTING THE PARENTS?

Go to a botanical garden? Haha, yeah, okay. Like I want to pay money to walk through a giant salad

How dare you incinerate that I don’t know big words.

drank a Mike’s Hard Lemonade & crashed my dirt bike into a mailbox RT @McDonalds Good morning! How was your weekend?

I like my coffee like I like my women.

Not banging my friends.

“But my doctor said popcorn was healthy,” I say while pouring on a stick of butter.

The most disappointing sentence in the human language is “This next song is off of our new album”.

Ovenable?

HOW TO DISPOSE OF BATTERIES

– set them aside until you can look up how to dispose of batteries

– find them 3 months later

– look both ways

– slip them into the trash

I’m trying to convince my boss that “ffs” is short for
“For faster service”
so I can put
“What do you need now, ffs”
in all my emails

I’m not “rich.” Actually, it depends on how you define wealth. If you’re talking about money, relationships, or happiness, then no still

Desperate is following a fake Charlize Theron account with one follower that’s a bot.

Rooting for the overdog

Not sure what I did wrong to get targeted ads for pants with underwear sewn in.

Do I believe in jinxes? Let me put it this way: I dropped and broke a mirror and one month later I was married.

I was at a Hanukkah party at my uncle’s house and one of my cousins was like, “hey look it’s bitcoin” and held up a piece of gelt that he’d taken a bite out of

[roadtrip]
ME: I need a bathroom break
FRIEND: no stops for 2 hours, use that Gatorade bottle
ME: um…ok…now how am I supposed to wipe?

[ultrasound]
DOCTOR: oh my god!
HER: what’s wrong?
DOCTOR: Ok don’t panic but it looks as though you swallowed a baby

Still far too much of my kitchen cupboard space is taken up by ingredients that I needed 5g of for a recipe that I made once 9 years ago, which tasted awful.

Spice up your meltdown through interpretive dance.

Waiting patiently for something good to happen like that goat in Jurassic Park.

Me: I’m heading out to escort the canine on a jaunty trek about the neighborhood.

My husband: Why don’t you just say you’re going to walk the dog?

Dog: *goes absolutely nuts*

Going commando is the closest I’ll ever get to joining the army.

Always wanted to call people who don’t like astronomy “Galactos Intolerant”

This is Damn delicious!😋😋😋

Went for a handshake and got snubbed. So I turned it into an impromptu Macarena dance, since I didn’t wanna look stupid

I’m very sorry for your loss, but do you know if this funeral home has wi-fi?