What’s with these people who take a sip of their coffee as soon as they get it? Who are these iron-mouthed warriors?
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If I were a DJ I would just play true crime podcasts.
I stood on the scale with one leg in the air and still weighed the same wtf.
Me: can I buy you a drink?
Girl: no
Me: *looking at bank account* you’re right
Finding Nemo 2? I swear, if that kid gets lost again Finding Nemo 3 better be where child services locks the dad up for extreme negligence.
Im at the swamp does anyone need anything
What if all countries have ninjas, and we only know about the Asian ones because they suck?
movies be like: here is a scientist – she is world renowned, she teaches at MIT, she is 24, she is stupid hot.
You don’t know rock bottom until someone tries to tickle your neck fat.
[opening a letter]
me: oh my god
wife: what is it?
me: it just says “oh my god”
My girlfriend just explained to me that people can’t actually go through black holes, and now I don’t really care about space anymore.
My Twitter crush is 4,762-timing me!
Boss: Any takeaways from the client meeting?
Me: I got his stapler and two rolls of toilet paper
… and be generous with the lollipops
– me holding up a bank
Waiter: what can I get you?
Me: I’ll have what she’s having
Her: two divorces then please
*first date*
Him: You’re very interesting.
Me: Thank you.
Him: And fun to be around.
Me: That’s nice, thanks.
Him: You need to stop all of that if this is going to work.
Me:
Him: I’m just trying to help you. Change is good.
Me: Check please!
Me: I took two naps today and was just falling asleep again.
Him: I can think of something to wake you up. *wraggles eyebrows*
Me: Is it food?
Me: *eating turkey*
Cartographer: My work!
Hot neighbor (limping): I slipped and fell on my bedroom floor this morning
Me: Haha, I saw that
Her: What?
Me: What?
[Checking in at Comic Con]
Attendant: How long did you spend on your cosplay?
Me: Seven months
A: *Hands me a badge marked “Casual”*
me: what’s ur favorite thing on the menu
waiter: oh definitely the salmon
me: oh yes ok i’ll have the *orders something that is not salmon*
[TI and his daughter at OBGYN]
doctor, to TI’s daughter: u have a UTI
TI’s daughter: a what
doctor: UTI
TI: no I’m TI
I would make a terrible Buddhist because I kill a lot of ants and drifters
You act like no one at work has ever asked you to apply ointment to a bunion before.
Gonna start saying “that’s what they want you to believe” whenever anyone disagrees with me
I finally had the talk with my kids. I told them that in the wild animals eat their young so they better get their shit together.
Going as a hashtag for Halloween so everybody ignores me.
Practice self-care like werewolves: carry deeply emotional secrets everywhere you go & once a month eat the hearts of all who have wronged you.
[first date]
me: [don’t let her know you’re a microwave]
her: my food is a bit cold
me: [my head starts slowly rotating]
Do not break eye contact with your waitress as you put the spaghetti in your wallet.
[getting car jacked] umm i know i’m supposed to resist and all but if we don’t cooperate we’re both gonna miss McDonalds breakfast so hop in