What’s worse than a chick telling you she only thinks of you as a friend? When she says she thinks of you like a brother.
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My wife CLAIMS to be my best friend but she didn’t seemed all that psyched when I bragged about this girl at work I just made out with.
Wife: I had a terrible night’s sleep. Tossed and turned. Couldn’t get comfortable. It’s only 6 AM and I’m in such a horrible mood already. How did you sleep?
Me [who slept 8 straight hours and didn’t get up once to pee]: Same.
interviewer: any questions?
me: yes, what are your strengths?
SPIDER: But I need my ID
COP: I’m confiscating it
SPER: Damn you
Everyone: We’re concerned about you.
Me: *snorting crushed up smarties off the back of a public toilet* why tho?
Hey did you know that if you step on the gas and brake at the same time your car takes a screenshot.
[he picks me up on 1st date]
Him: What do you have there?
Me: [struggling, crawling to his car because my backpack is weighing me down] Ham.
If you’re suddenly feeling warm and wet, it might be because I put your Voodoo doll somewhere warm and wet.
Guys if ur drinking tonight please remember this; u can always use a frozen hot dog if u run out of ice. Ok stay safe & keep it real.
Just say no
Sometimes I just sit and admire the gray in my husband’s beard, how distinguished it’s becoming, and think “I DID THAT”
They don’t tell you that it is perfectly legal to swim out into the ocean, grab whatever fish you can, & eat it on the way back
visiting your parents is great because you get free food and all it costs is your entire mental wellbeing
I wonder if Medusa’s husband felt like he was being taken for granite.
[girlfriend in a coma]
*leans in close to whisper* babe, if you can hear me…where the hell did you buy that zesty mayo?
Sing like no one is listening.
Dance like you need to be shot with a tranquilizer dart.
My 5-year-old has been digging around in my hair on the back of my head lately and today he finally confessed he’s been “lookin for the eyes.”
Hell yeah I’m a catholic i’ve been addicted to cats my whole life
Juliet: you know it’s true love, when you finish each other’s-
Romeo: LIFE
Juliet: [sighs all annoyed] like why do you say shit like that?
I’ve been training my family to be future Survivor contestants. If you can find food in my house, you can make it anywhere.
Lint Bizkit #LaundrySongsAndBands
FRIEND: do you know the baby’s sex
ME [covering pregnant wife’s ears]: ew no gross what kind of position is that
One of the funnier gadgets my parents have is an indoor/outdoor thermometer that shows a little cartoon guy in various outfits to correspond with the temperature outside because my parents can’t be bothered to do that weather/pants translation themselves
Don’t tell me to trust my gut. Thats where I put my snacks. Clearly that’s where I’m the weakest
If I’m at your house and you’ve got a grocery list on the fridge, I’m adding stuff to it and not telling you
One day I hope the bravery of the people who initiate clapping is recognized.
I sure hope the family likes these Slim Jim burritos.
[meeting]
ME: ok bear with me folks *pulls out a live salmon and eats it*
BUSINESS BEARS: *look around at each other and nod approvingly* this guy’s good
Sorry, michael00008765348921652. I’ve already found my partner and definitely don’t want to get to know you better.
Why do the models on the catwalks always look so angry? I would have been very happy to get paid to just walk around in fancy clothes.