What’s worse than a chick telling you she only thinks of you as a friend? When she says she thinks of you like a brother.
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Chicks like it when you let out a loud “AWOOGA” when you see her naked
Look, all I know is none of this shit was going on when Mtv still played music videos.
When I die, before I’m cremated, fill me with popcorn kernels for one last laugh.
I don’t like to insult women, but I’m not a big fan of my boyfriend’s other girlfriend.
My son is explaining why my daughter is crying but I’m not buying it as I don’t think she can even say, “Please kick me in the face”.
My husband tried to embarrass me in front of his friends by saying I wasn’t any good in bed. He was shocked when his friends disagreed.
It’s not Christmas until the stockings are hung, the tree is trimmed and Hans Gruber falls from the top of Nakatomi Plaza.
Today is the first day of the rest of your life and you’ve already screwed it up.
*knocks on woman’s washroom*
Hello anyone in here?
*no one answers*
*runs in & lifts up every toilet seat*
HAHAHA
*runs away giggling*
I said “You’re not the boss of me” to my boss and it came true.
Encore…
[13th century]
[my messenger pigeon flys in carrying a note]
me: oh hell ya she replied [i open the note and it says “read 7:49 pm”] god damnit
Starting my own social media site called Chaos Realm which is just a Google doc that anyone can edit
I think nervous flatulence would be helpful if you were ever kidnapped
wow
[mom knocks on my bedroom door]
HER: are you modest?
ME: well I’m no big shot but my jokes do ok on Twitter
HER: ok I’m coming in
Unplugged the WiFi for 10 seconds and a teenager I didn’t know existed appeared from one of the bedrooms to complain
I’ve been standing here for 30 minutes and it hasn’t even moved.
Park Ranger: Careful, someone saw a coyote out here earlier
Me: Ok, thanks
-20 minutes later-
*drives into a rock painted like a tunnel
Everyone is a surgeon when you wash your hands and have to walk across the room for the towel.
*man on tv sweeps items off desk and passionately embraces woman*
Me: How romantic.
*husband passionately throws folded laundry off bed*
Me: WTF
ME: What’s the capital of Germany?
SON: G
ME: So college is a no then?!
That’s it. The next time a relative asks me if I have a boyfriend, I’m going to say “no, I’m just sleeping around”.
CNN got really excited about the #TransAsia plane until they found out it’s not missing so now they don’t care.
Guys; if she stops responding to your messages for days, 100% of the time it’s a technical problem. Keep trying.
😆this is so true
gf: [crying] I love him
gf’s dad: if you love him let him go
gf: [lets go]
me: [falling to my death] that’s not what it
m
e
e
e
e
a
n
s
Me: Oh God help I’ve been stabbed in the tummy
911: how old are you?
Me: 38
911: omg
Me: what
911: 38
Me: what
911: tummy
Me: just send help
911: ok tummy sending you an amby wamby
Being popular on Facebook is like being the smartest kid in summer school.
My gf just sat me down and confessed to me that she used to be a Christian. It came as quite a shock; I’ve only ever known her as Christine