Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

parents, bringing their problem child to summer camp

Wife: Please don’t tell any of your “jokes” at my work party. You’re gonna look like an idiot.

[later]

Me:

I replaced my old flat pillow that hurt my neck with a new fat fluffy pillow that hurts my neck.

i hate the toilet paper math where the package says like “6 ROLLS = 33 ROLLS!” No it doesn’t.

i am disgusted by the physical act of handshaking. it is morally unacceptable that u cant just extend your arm and fist the wind

COP: any drugs in the car

ME: no

COP: ok

ME: APRIL FOOL’S

Relationship status: you’d think something called a Roomba would be a better dancer

Snake: What do you do?
Gun shop owner: I’m an arms dealer.
*snake gets super excited*

“Describe yourself in 4 words.”

Bad at counting.

seems the leprechauns have supply chain issues just like everybody else

Whatever, Batman. You may call it the Batcave, but that doesn’t change the fact you still live in your parents’ basement.

For parents of small children, weekends are about as relaxing as showering with cats.

Guy: Must be hard being named after the hay Jesus was born on

Christian Bale: What?

Mouse astronaut, six seconds after setting foot on the moon: I have been lied to

Tampons should yell “OH YEAH” in the Kool Aid man’s voice when they’re full

Fine officer, then tell me what animals it is okay to get in a karate fight with. I’m waiting.

The reason the “Cars” movies have gained so much popularity is becuase the cars speak to one another. You don’t get that with real life cars

Me: Why’d my bill go up?
AT&T: u got rid of ur land-line
M: But it should cost less if I have fewer services.
AT&T: And we threw in a donkey
M: I don’t want a donkey.
AT&T: Donkey removal is an extra $50

Dr: Your Mom is like regular moms except we lost her in surgery.
Me: Did you just use a joke format to tell me my mom died
Dr: yep

Doctor – “you’ve been bitten by a spider. Ever see that movie Spider-Man?”
Me – “no?”
Doctor – “and I’m afraid you never will. You’re dying”

it’s date night again and the other dried fruits are miffed

[at a dinner party]

Me: hey can I get a picture of the table?

Everyone: *leans in, faces me, smiles*

Me: you’re all blocking the table

So are these single women just throwing themselves against walls as they masturbate?

I place my finger on the police officer’s lips. “Shhh. Look, we were both speeding, ok? I forgive you.”

The elites don’t want you to know this but the ducks at the park are free you can take them home I have 458 ducks

LAZINESS LEVEL: PRO!

#NationalLazyDay

Oceanography is all about current events

“Bob’s coming over”
Bob from work or Bob who thinks he’s a cop?
*knock on door* OPEN UP, POLICE
*flushing drugs down toilet* “Bob from work”

Never bring your fists to a knife fight. Never bring a knife to a gun fight. And whatever you do, stay far, far away from a fight between two geese.