what’s wrong babe? you haven’t touched your shrekfast yet
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An air mattress is the best way to tell your houseguests not to stay too long.
My kids think they’re way cooler than me like WHATEVER nerds by your age I’d already had my license, sex, and a visit by the FBI.
Curious, how many years do you keep a mismatched sock before you can get rid of it? Is it like taxes? 7years?
[3am]
My demon: [dragging me down rabbit hole with me kicking and screaming]
Also my demon: there will be cookies
Me: say no more!
Help your friends diet by replacing the light in their fridge with an air horn.
Singin’ in the Rain (1952) but with a Velociraptor
Oh, I shouldn’t worry? Why didn’t I think of that?
wife: Why don’t we run through the parking lot?
me [laying on the ground in front of the car that hit me] Because it’s dangerous
Husband: UGH that kid is JUST LIKE YOU.
Me: Wonderful?
H:
M: Charming?
H:
M: Light of your life?
H: [leaves room]
Me: [shouts] SUPER COOL?
*me looking at a police lineup*
Number 3 is cute. OMG Is he single? Give him my number! What? Oh. Right. Five. Number 5 killed my grandpa.
I just saw The Big Sick and now I’m negotiating with my doctor to place me in a medically induced coma and then speed dial my true love.
Oh, you climbed Mt. Everest?
Well, I live with 4 teenagers and ALL the laundry in the house is clean AND folded.
.
An interrogator that just goes into the room and loudly eats a peach until the suspect confesses to everything.
It’s my mom’s personal mission in life to save me 20% on all my purchases by clipping out and giving me every coupon known to mankind.
I’m so lazy, if I got kidnapped I’d just think, “Well, this is where I live now.”
I want to install a camera system, partly for security, but mostly so when my husband texts me asking what’s for dinner I can send him a 16 minute video montage of the kids screaming followed by a Thai take-out menu screen-shot.
I’m starting to think the guy offering to check for lumps inside his van was not as legit as his cardboard certificate claimed.
Coworker : I just like to go with the flow.
Me : Flow away, I’m busy.
“You do you” is the nicest way to call someone an idiot.
Running is the best way to remind yourself how much you love sitting.
If you go to an animal shelter and ask for a cat, they get really upset if you play them like a guitar and scream ROCK YOU LIKE A FURRICANE.
Interviewer: tell me about your leadership skills
Me: YOU tell ME about my leadership skills
Interviewer: holy shit, you’re hired
Me: I’m sorry, we have to let you go
Interviewer: dammit
If she’s not ruining your life…..She’s just not that into you.
Girlfriend: I think we should spend some time apart from each other.
Me: Hiatus?
Girlfriend: I hate us too.
The tea party my toddler invited me to feels more like a hostage situation.
BREAKING: Justin Bieber expresses interest in being baptized. Over 4 million people volunteer to hold his head under water.
I would go to the gym during the Christmas holidays but I don’t really think that’s what Jesus would have wanted
Don’t act like you miss sex now, you weren’t getting laid before either.
Meow
“What do you do for a living?”
“I read. I travel. I love. I laugh.”
“No. How do you earn your bread?”
“Oh I work. But that’s not living.”