what’s wrong babe? you haven’t touched your shrekfast yet
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In retrospect, “Metallica” is a hilarious name for a metal band.
It’s like a Bob Dylan calling himself “Ol’ Folksy.”
Being brave is overrated.
Just run away, screaming, like a normal human being.
Medusa was the absolute worst when it came to objectifying people.
Lady behind me on this @delta flight is complaining to the stewardess because they made her check her bag and there’s a ton of room.
Her husband to the stewardess: “you know she went to college with the CEO of Delta”
Stewardess: “You should have kept in touch.”
💀
Are we done? Can we go?
-A memoir.
Don’t try take your pants off while walking down stairs.
Lesson learned
I was shit at school. I turned up to the wrong lessons and sat the wrong exams. The rest as they say is geography.
This line from Airplane.
My boss: “Sean, what do you know about Twitter?” Me: “nothing. Why? What have you heard?”
Pilot: we’re gonna crash
Me: *to cute girl next to me* guess I should make these last moments count
Her: yeah?
Me: mhm *starts fast forwarding Shrek*
I experimented a ton in college. I tried naps in the evening, naps in the morning, sometimes even 3 naps in a row.
Crocodile towels ☺ @funTweeters @fun_tweets
The best baby age is when they say “baby” when they see another baby as though they themselves are not in fact also a baby.
Remember when that really cute guy held the door for you at the book store? He doesn’t.
STOP WHINING KIDS! If mommy wants to listen to a bunch of people whining for no reason, she’ll log into twitter.
[Picking up girls]
Me: you like bad boys, huh?
Girls: yea
Me to my wing man: tell them
Wing man: he’s just literally the worst
WAITER: Ready to order?
GIANT WORM IN TRENCHCOAT: Bring me dirt from the grave!
W: We cannot
GWIT: I HUNGER FOR CORPSE EARTH
W: Again no
“Guess what!”
“What?”
“I went clubbing and did the Bus Driver last night!”
“Oh I love that dance move!”
“It’s a dance move?”
The best kind of Sundays are the ones where you thought you finished the cake but then you find more cake
i guess his teacher was really pissed
My 8yo just asked my permission to say “shit” to express his anger, so don’t tell me I’m not raising a polite kid.
What’s the deal with everyone liking unicorns? They’re horses with dildos on their heads. Dragons, people. DRAGONS.
DATE: Ooh, such long fingers
ME: Yeah, know what other long body part I have?
D: I have an idea *sexy wink*
M: My intestines are about 30ft
Can’t trust anyone that refuses to admit
They are wrong.Sidenote: I do have a place to hide their bodies.
Could you even imagine the crime rate if no one drank coffee or ate bacon.
Saw an Amazon truck drop a kid off at school this morning. Didn’t know that was an option.
I’m only a vegetarian so people won’t invite me anywhere
“pediatric patients say the darnedest things”
doctor: we need to draw some blood
4: [taking out crayons] ok but I get the red one
“I promise to defend you from a zombie apocalypse or alien invasion, but if it’s a werewolf attack, it’s every man for himself.”
“The bride has also written her own vows.”