what’s wrong babe? you’ve barely touched your charcuberie
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[My Dad returning 15 years after he left to buy cigarettes] I’ve got toilet paper.
Bringing in an edit button would deny us glorious tweets like these
[playing guitar in hotel lounge]
Me: *puts out cigarette* Any more requests out there tonight?
Front desk: Yes. Would you please get out of the lobby?
What did the blanket say as it fell off the bed?
Oh sheet.
[stunned, eyes lock, a smile exchanged, and I knew it was kismet]
*hands cash to lady
Ma’am my baby isn’t for sale.
I SAID I’LL TAKE TWO!!
[me, trying to join a conversation about Game of Thrones] oh man, there are just so many thrones, I don’t have a favorite really
Wife: [eyes glinting] Kids are at mums tonight, know what that means?
Me:
W:
M: Cool! You get the popcorn, I’ll break out the ‘Sopranos’ boxset!
People who think all witches are women and all doctors are men must be really confused by witch doctors
ME: it’s horrible. I would wish it on my worst enemy
GUY: you mean *wouldn’t*
ME: hahahahahaha you’re sweet
“Take it with a pinch of salt,” my dad always used to say.
Lovely man.
Made horrible tea.
I’ve honestly never been more disappointed in life than when I found out that the Miami Dolphin football team was made up entirely of people
The most elusive of all creatures is the camo camo camo camo camo chameleon
Have you tried growling until they back away slowly?
Home Alone (1990)
A know-it-all, suburban elitist cruelly humiliates two economically anxious men, seeking to improve their lives
Couldn’t find regular eggs so i just bought 3 dozen Cadbury caramel eggs because where there’s a will there’s a way
twitter users today:
I woke up with tons of motivation to go back to sleep.
Due to an unfortunate miscommunication with the printer, I am currently selling “Proudly Pro-Lice” bumper stickers at a steep discount.
-Ho ho ho, what do you want for Christmas?
-I want a Kylo Ren lightsaber, a Thor hammer, a Star Trek phaser, a—
-I was asking the boy, sir.
How to cure a headache
1. Drink a glass of water.
2. Take 10 deep breathes.
3. Give headache your credit card & tell her to go to the mall.
Something’s wrong with the selfie camera on my new phone. It keeps making me look like I’m 40.
the worm is coming from inside the brain
You don’t care about me. You just want to see what’s under my shirt. it’s a ham. I’m smuggling a ham. Happy?
Whenever I sing, my mom goes outside. Not to get away from me, but to prove to my neighbors that she’s not beating me.
Good Cop: [stares]
Bad Cop: [stares]
The abyss: You get nothing from me until my lawyer gets here. Nothing.
These people act like they’ve never seen anyone wearing a Speedo in a laundromat before.
Batman: I am named this because I fear bats.
Incoming Phone Call Man: Buddy I get it.
Husband: “You should try going to bed earlier.”
Me: “You should take the 3yo to work with you.”
Him: “I’d get nothing done.”
Me: “EXACTLY.”
Me: Yeah sorry, I never have my phone volume on, I just can’t deal with people
Boss: I don’t think you understand the concept of a “work phone”
That’s me in the corner, that’s me in the spotlight,
Begging for my cat’s attention