what’s wrong babe? you’ve barely touched your charcuberie
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When someone asks why you don’t have kids just say “dingoes”
Which sounds more foreboding, Impending Doom or Imminent Demise, I want this wedding toast to be memorable.
“All you have left is your king and one knight,” sneers my grandmaster chess opponent. Suddenly a little hatch opens in my knight and thousands of tiny Greek soldiers swarm out.
Little Red: I’m going to grandmas
Mom: wait I didnt finish teaching u the difference between human and wolf anatomy
Little Red: when would I ever need to know that?
Mom: lmao ya ur right. have fun
At my age getting up early just means that I had to go pee and I couldn’t hold it anymore.
“It’s gonna taste really good.” – excerpt from the guide What To Expect When You’re Expecting Pizza
Pro tip: when a cop asks you to step out of the car, don’t reply with “I’m too drunk, you get in.”
pretty messed up how “what are you weaknesses” is an acceptable question in job interviews but not on first dates
God: is it done?
Noah: yea
God: whats this
Noah, proudly: a swing set
God: you built a park. I asked for an ark
Noah: a what?
God: a boat
Noah: say boat then
I wrote a book. It’s a murder mystery. You’re in it but only for the first couple of chapters.
She hated my mixed-tape back in high school. Last month she gave birth to her ninth baby. Thanks for saving my life, Depeche Mode!
I’ve never dated a man for his mind, but I would if I ever met a man that had one.
There are days & nights where I’m surrounded by profound Darkness, followed by a realisation that I need to stop wearing shades in my house.
[on a date]
Him: I love the law.
Me: [trying to impress] I like food courts.
Our daughter ran away from home
once when she was a teenager.We were frantic.
Within months, we called the police
to report her missing.
Hubby just choked after he bit into a grape and it squirted down his throat….
Not as easy as it looks is it?
My “snooze” button should just be called the “nope, no yoga today” button.
Secret to a successful marriage is to compliment your spouse before discussing tasks and chores
My 6yo: There’s no school on Friday because it’s a teacher planning day. What does that mean?
Me: [mumbling] They plan on screwing up my Friday, that’s what.
#dnd #ttrpg
there should be some kind of National Dog and before any politician gets sworn into office we have to see how the dog reacts to them
“I’m in the best shape of my life!” -Newborn baby
No one girl should have all that power. 😂
Husband: “Let me use your phone a minute.”
Me: (Feeds phone to a pelican)
*Death comes for me but is once again fooled by my false moustache*
Kids: The floor is lava
God: Soon
Before you start your artisanal candle business ask yourself: does the world need one more lychee-scented soy candle? Or even one?
Net flips and krill?
– killer whale text
Her: I like how you did your hair today. Me: OMG thank you, I passed out in my closet last night.