what’s wrong, babe, you’ve hardly played your juitar
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sorry i’m still an undecided voter, but it’s hard to pick just one when I love them both so very very much
THERAPIST: are you still using euphemisms to get friends to go jogging
ME: no one ever wants to have the runs with me
Told my fiancée that I cook when I’m stressed. Tell me why this lady looks me in the eye and calls me a pressure cooker 🥲
A baby’s smile can light up a room. Unless it’s pitch black. Then the baby is totally useless.
Roses are red, violets are blue, vodka costs less than a dinner for two.
My kid just told me I look so young from this angle. The angle being the back of my head.
FASHION BOSS: any new ideas?
ME: how about a shirt with a hat
F: so a hoodie?
M: I call it a shat and as I say it out loud I hear my mistake
Schools need to start doing pictures on the first day. It’s the only day I remember to try to make my kids look presentable.
My trainer told me to get on all fours and I got excited until she said now do tricep extensions.
Without telling me where you live tell me your social security number and mother’s maiden name.
RIP Medusa you would’ve hated selfies.
These work great until they don’t.
KIDNAPPER: Get in the trunk
ME: You’re abducting me 4 days before Christmas?
K: Heh yep
ME: Omg thank you
K: What
ME: I’m all yours
K: Wait
Do you think Jesus described his hair color as light blonde or summer wheat?
[sees Facebook friend you haven’t talked to in 12 years just got married] wow thanks for the invite prick did our 5 weeks of driver’s ed together mean nothing to u
me: raising kids is the most rewarding thing you’ll ever do
kidnapper: just pay the ransom, I’m not keeping them
A client on the phone accidentally said they love me before they hung up
Not gonna lie it felt good
I think the scariest part about having triplets is having to be pregnant for 27 months.
The first time I stayed at my girlfriends’ house, her dad wouldn’t let us sleep together.
Shame, he’s very attractive.
we live in a society where it’s perfectly acceptable to touch 50 pieces of fruit at the supermarket before buying one. every apple you eat has been fondled by half the neighborhood
[God inventing children]
A: Aw, so cute.
G: Make ’em scream.
A: But –
G: All the time. Just scream their heads off.
Wife: Good morning handsome
Me: Hi
Wife: How about you relax, I make us some coffee, and then I… do things to you
Me: *as wife leaves* Wow is this a dream?
Wife: *from the other room* Never mind, the kid threw his shit on the wall again
Me: There it is
just saw a guy brake for a squirrel, buddy behind him lays on his horn, but then sees the squirrel so sticks his head out the window and yells “SORRY!”
still, it’s only the 3rd most Canadian thing i’ve seen so far today.
I have a lift function on my wheelchair so I can reach tall counters. The lift moves really slowly. One time, I got overcharged for something. I tried to storm out of the store, but my chair just slowly lowered to the ground as the cashier stared at me.
Look, woman, I’ll do laundry when I’m out of clean clothes. *puts on skirt* I didn’t say whose clothes.
I’ve just had to reset my password to Delicate Luggage Handler as I was told it had to be case sensitive.
Not to brag but, they’re going to keep my résumé on file…
Paper plates don’t have to go so hard with the marketing. Whimsical floral design? I just need to know microwaveable y/n
Took a DNA test, turns out I’m 100% that one Asian who can’t use chopsticks.
Back from the dentist, my teeth are now the most expensive things I own.