what’s wrong, babe, you’ve hardly played your juitar
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This guy I really hate has started his own software company. I’m a programmer. After a few months of work, I’m about to finish building a completely free version of his app; and share it everywhere.
[getting kidnapped]
me: you deserve better
shoutout to Disney for giving me unrealistic expectations about love, talking animals and my singing voice
On an afternoon walk, a handsome stranger hands you a note. It says “By the time you read this, I will already be petting your dog.” You look down. It’s true.
You should be allowed to take your own food to KFC and have them kentucky fry it for you.
Picture someone stepping down off a curb that they didn’t realize was there. Now you can say you’ve seen me dance.
me: 867-5309… and this is your REAL phone number?
her: yeah, sure
THERAPIST: Well, if you know what’s good for you…
ME: [Holds up hand] “Let me stop you right there”
Me, to 10yo: The first step in doing your math homework is *starts crying*
My daughter showed me a shirt at Target and I asked where the rest of it was; my transformation into my father is complete
15: ‘I think the Wi-Fi is out again.’
Me: ‘Hey – what a great opportunity to go outside and enjoy some fresh-‘
15: ‘It’s back.’
Me: ‘Good talk.’
Hand dryers are a great way to see how your hands look while skydiving.
My wife got home and was mad when she saw I fed my son cake, banana, popcorn and M&M’s for dinner. I was like, “You saw the banana, right?”
“So how was your date?”
I talked about my obsession with reducing fractions too much
“That wasn’t a good idea”
Yeah well, hindsight is 1
Area Man Already Knows Which Chicken Tender He’s Saving For Last
Stop remaking Batman and remake Dude, Where’s My Car? You cowards
“so doc… am I dying?”
“we’re all dying, just at different speeds”
“but what about me”
“You’re like, the Usain Bolt of dying dude lmao”
*gets last year’s turkey out of the attic*
Boomer: I got this toy when I was 6. I didn’t open it. Now it’s worth $1000!
Gen X: I open shoe boxes on YouTube. Now I’m a millionnaire
[8am, phone rings]
Hotel Desk: Ma’am we’re going to be turning off the water for about 2 hours this morning.
Me: No worries, I have vodka.
“Rapunzel! Let down your hair!”
RAPUNZEL: Hey hair, ya wanna go get ice cream?
HAIR: Yeah!
RAPUNZEL: Well too bad. Because we’re not.
The aliens among us mentally scream at having to continue this charade.
Cop: Tell me again why you pulled out scissors and gave her bangs.
Me: She was flirting with a hot dad that I had my eye on.
Let’s take a family bike ride in this beautiful weather so the kids can complain about family, bike rides, and beautiful weather that has no wifi.
I quit enjoying makeup sex when I realized he looked better in mascara and blush than I do.
the most dangerous dog breed is probably the Crime Lab
me: i’m proposing to my gf
sonic the hedgehog: that’s awesome man
me: i need a ring lol
sonic: *nervous* haha
me: *pulling out a baseball bat*
two things can be true at once. for instance, I love my children more than anything, and I am also constantly counting the hours until bedtime to the goddamn second
Assume that everyone, no matter what the situation, is doing improv theatre for your amusement.
Went outside. Touched grass. Got bit by bugs. Zero stars