Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’m not saying I’m an idiot…

But if some village comes looking…tell them you never saw me.

The person opposite me has a donut. I do not have a donut. That should be my donut. This person is now my arch nemesis.

To change the traffic light from red to green, pick up your phone and try to read a text on your cellphone.

Too close to dinner for lunch now. I’ll just have a few fresh veggies and half a bag of potato chips to tide me over.

Never use profanity. Unless you live on the East Coast. Where it is considered punctuation and shit.

OMG! Imagine being in a room with all of your exes!

*imagines room of people playing ps4 and ignoring me*

Merica.

[Catching wife in the bedroom with my best friend]

Wife: PUT ME DOWN YOU IDIOTS

I hate when I accidentally say “I love you” instead of “I’m biologically driven to want to reproduce with you & I’m temporarily delusional”

Dumped girl on The Bachelor: “What’s wrong with me?”

Well, Lindsay, you’re on a TV show to find a husband. What ISN’T wrong with you?

My husband has short term memory problems so I’ve stopped brushing my hair.
That way he thinks we’ve already had sex & leaves me alone.

I was in a debate and someone defended their position by saying, “Opinions can’t be wrong”

I said, “In my opinion, opinions CAN be wrong. Thus proving the existence of at least one wrong opinion.”

My wife told me she was leaving me because I keep pretending to be a Transformer.

I said, “No, wait! I can change.”

After a pretty wild late night last night, I was awoken at 8am by my neighbor mowing his lawn.

At first I was going to confront him about it but then I thought, whatever. He can just mow around me.

I only want to be cremated if they use real cream.

Wife: You put the wrong date on this.

Me: Oh, yeah. The year change always messes me up.

Wife: You wrote 1992.

what’s the medical term for a female-to-male gender reassignment surgery? an addadictomy

I would never join a gang, because I am vehemently against group projects.

I will flirt with you but honestly neither of us will have any idea it’s happening

[funeral]

Her: why is my dead grandfather wearing a diamond ring?

*sliding it off his finger*

Me: *gets down on one knee* because babe…

I feel bad for all these athletes training for the Olympics in 2016 since we’re all gonna die in 2012

[Giraffe Weatherman]
“Yes Bob, we have a major blizzard happening up here but
*giraffe lowers head*
on the ground we’re still looking good.”

Husband: “I’m gonna go back on my keto diet”

Me: “So you want me to throw out these Kit Kats?”

H: “Well, let’s not be hasty now!”

4: remember when mommy didn’t have her strap on?

Husband: she didn’t have her WHAT?!

4: her strap on!

Husband: I didn’t even know mommy had a-

Me, from another room: SHE MEANS WHEN I WORE THE STRAPLESS DRESS AT OUR WEDDING

Whenever you’re having a bad day, think of the guy who has to put the circus tent back in its bag.

Me: Busy day?
Singer: Working on my scales
Map maker: Same
Scale maker: Same
Mountain climber: Same
Guy who draws fish: Same

[to son before going in house] remember its opposite day
wife: how was go karting?
son: dad didnt take off his helmet and throw it at anyone

yeah I dunno, “our landlord is mistreating us” and “we can’t get fresh meat” seems like two problems that solve each other

If you’re giving me directions and you say, “Head north,” I’m going to think you mean toward the sky.