what’s wrong son?
that kid said he’s cooler than me
what? impossible. what kid?
*in my head im like don’t be the kid with pegs on his bike*
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Judge: You have power of attorney?
Me:*curling two briefcases* Pfft. What do you think, bruh?
me 2 months after i graduated
Him: Will you marry me?
Me: omg what did I do, why don’t you want to have sex with me anymore?
[takes e-cig from guy beside me & takes a hit] dude, your e-cig is broken
GUY BESIDE ME: give me back my clarinet
I’ve done hundreds of crossword puzzles over the years, but just this morning I noticed they provide clues.
I have never in my life learned from another person’s mistakes, I would literally let a giant wooden horse into my house right this second.
I asked my 5 yr old if she wanted to help me make a cake and she said that she doesn’t make cakes. She eats them.
Her face will be on currency one day.
I wanna get a job at a grocery store & whisper, “Don’t fuckin touch that. You fuckin put that back, ” to every customer who grabs something.
Sometimes it’s not about missing someone, it’s about reloading and trying again.
We have one rule in this house and one rule only: nothing too lifelike that will scare you when you walk into a dark room.
When I match a very good looking person on dating apps I send them a message saying “Sorry I swiped right by accident.” And immediately unmatch them. They then have this burning desire to stalk my socials and chase me for validation.
Jeff Bezos confirms he’s no longer the world’s richest man as Bill Gates has cancelled his Amazon Prime subscription.
and now we wait
There’s nothing church people love more than getting teenagers and young adults to move all the chairs
Swiss cheese is cheating cheese cause there’s holes where there could be more cheese stay woke.
If people start referring to your outfits as “get-ups,” you might want to start rethinking some of your fashion choices.
Some people just want to watch the world bake at 350° for 45 minutes.
i trust rabbits implicitly. they wouldn’t let just anybody have ears like that
I’ve never been more afraid of my wife than the time I ate a potato off of her plate.
Having a rough day? At least you’re not Courtney Love’s gynecologist.
My husband never answers the phone when I need him!
When I need him: Middle of the afternoon, on a Tuesday, while he is at work, and there is not one but TWO wasps flying around the kitchen tormenting me.
SEND HELP!
Save time sledding with kids by just throwing away one mitten before you even leave the house
the nice thing about always being late is never having to worry about getting worms
doctor: do you use recreational drugs?
me: no
doctor: you don’t have to lie to me
me: yeah i know, but i like to
[1931]
Him: we should name this time period
Me: the good depression
Him: ok i like depression but the descriptor has to be something more than just “good”
Me [after consulting my good friend tony the tiger]: hear me out
The word “beard” comes from an old Latin phrase meaning “sit on my face”
According to Verizon, the cable guy should be here sometime between 10:00 a.m. and the return of Christ.
I said goodbye to everyone at a party and then mistakenly walked into a closet and was too embarrassed to walk back out so I live here now.
There aren’t too many jobs where you sit around the break room and say “Today I got gonorrhea, and last week I got syphilis,” unless you’re library workers talking about recent reference questions.