People give a detailed description to a police sketch artist after seeing someone for only a few seconds.
Meanwhile I’m 65% sure my wife has green eyes.
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We used to look at my mom like she was crazy when she’d scream at us but now I know this is the only way children can hear you.
4-year-old: *sees a kid in the store* She goes to my daycare! She’s my best friend in the world!
Me: What’s her name?
4: I don’t remember.
Sometimes i spread newspaper out on the floor and then lay down on it and pretend i’m fish n’ chips
If I was a Premier League manager and my team were playing an 8:15pm midweek match, I’d give my players just one piece of advice before kick-off:
Brush your teeth now and wear your pyjamas under your kit. That way, you’ll be able to go to bed quicker when you get home.
You can usually win any arm wrestling contest by simultaneously leaning in for a kiss.
MS Office huh? So is there a *Mr* Office?
I got this “breathe” tattoo because I don’t have a central nervous system and it’s a helpful reminder.
i want a reality show that’s just footage of the losers’ car ride home after family feud
The most embarrassing thing on my phone is my calculator history
I shaved my legs today and drew the hair back on. I don’t get it, eyebrow ladies, I don’t get it.
Cop: Know why I pulled u over?
Me: Know why I pulled u over
C: Stop that
M: Stop that
C: Wanna go to jail?
M: Wanna go to jail?
C: No.. errr
this is my brain when people are trying to explain card game rules to me:
Cop 1: There’s been another murder
Cop 2: I think I see a pattern emerging
Cop 1: Please. Put your knitting down and focus
Popeye teaches us that the best reason to eat healthy is revenge. #CartoonLifeLessons
Me: I’m in such a happy mood right now!
Female reproductive system: Hold my beer
Apparently trying to bribe a zookeeper to set up an animal Thunderdome situation will get you kicked out of the zoo.
There’s a crying baby on my bus and I’m all “shut up baby, you’re not the one going to work.”
I used to brag that my dad worked in the food court.
I thought he was a food lawyer. Shoulda wondered why a lawyer would wear a sbarro shirt
The fact that folks get so riled up over nudity but aren’t upset that anybody could be carrying a gun makes me want to shoot people.
You can’t please me, you’re not the long straight block in Tetris.
Me: you want to end the date night with some bubbly?
Wife: sure
*I pour vinegar and baking soda into the volcano*
Wife: this is so romantic
(my very first day as President)
Alright folks here’s the deal, we’re gonna turn the volume of motorcycles down a skosh
The reason God calls all of us his children is so he can claim us all as dependents.
customer: can I return this bird food?
me: we don’t take returns
customer: then can I give some feedback?
me: I told you no
3yo: daddy why is everyone wearing masks?
Me: *considering how honest I want to be with my toddler* Ninja invasion.
TWITTER: Nowhere will you find more gratuitous cleavage.
RENAISSANCE FESTIVAL: Hold my tankard of ale.
Stupid autocorrect changing “restraints” to “restaurants”
Imagine Dragons.
No. Dragoner.
The inventor of the wooden spoon: this will change cooking forever
Italian Mothers: I can’t wait to hit my kids with this
If you would have told 7 year old me that one day I’d be sneaking into people’s rooms to steal their teeth I’d have thought you were crazy.