Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I duck my head when I drive into parking garages if you want to know what kind of superior intellect I have passed to my kids

Pronouns:
He
She
It
You
We
They

Amateurnouns:
Whoozits
Whatsername
Thingamajig
*vague pointing*
Whatchamacallit
Dudes

picking up knife:

picking up knife in movie: *SHING*

I booked a suite at a 5 star hotel and when my girlfriend arrived,on the bed spelled out in rose petals was “be right out,I’m taking a shit”

I just want to be as happy as the couple described in the first five minutes of any Dateline episode.

Its funny how your parents tell you its their house, but as soon as something needs cleaning, it magically becomes yours too.

I’m not even going to try to be understood today. If you hear nonsense, that’s what I said.

A tweet about the Titanic & speech impediments?
Unthinkable.

You know what bothers me? When people assume you’re homeless cause you’re asleep on the street and your pants are gone..

LOVED ONES: When I die, I want you to throw a sad party where you all look at my dead body
US, FOR SOME REASON: Ok that’s no problem

#rubbishjokes
I don’t like Russian dolls.

They are so full of themselves.

Jesus and Mary will occasionally appear on toast, or pancake, or waffles. Always breakfast foods. Why? Because it’s the most important meal.

WARNING: Local youths in the park are asking passers-by to audition for the remake of Aquaman. DON’T DO IT. They filmed my audition and posted it on youtube under the title, “We tricked this guy to climb into the park fountain”. I AM 99% SURE THEY ARE NOT REAL HOLLYWOOD PRODUCERS

superman accidentally arriving a thousand years too early

man: is that a bird?

Flex on your kids by asking “are we there yet?” before they do

I’m slightly concerned my answer for everything is masturbation. Can’t sleep? Masturbate. Poor? Masturbate. Lost the remote? Go for it.

sorry I broke up with you in the middle of a corn maze

(friends getting chinese noodles without you)
that’s pretty lo, mein

You’re telling me a beagle isn’t half bear half eagle?

“Just because you can’t dance, doesn’t mean you shouldn’t dance”
-Alcohol

The main city in DuckTales being called ‘Duckburg’ is mad. Imagine a human city called Manchester

If you get a new job before you quit your old one, it’s considered responsible.

But if you do that with your gf, it’s called “cheating.”

me: i feel like you only want me for my body :/

the demonic spirit possessing me: no elle, why would you think that?

Stages of Candle Burning
1: this smells nice
2: still smells nice
3: this is all I can smell now
4: this is the only scent I have ever known

Me: I will not be tricked into buying stuff I don’t need.

Ad: Buy 4, get one free.

Me: I’ll take 10 then.

Guy: “Lesbians! Awesome! Can I watch?”

Me: “Errr. Sure?”

*bundles him into the car and makes him drive around for five hours while we buy some timber and succulents and choose a rescue kitten from the shelter*

A charcuterie board is about what’s on top of the board? I thought y’all were picking side items to make eating wood more palletable.

I left a small container filled with cheerios outside in my garden for the squirrel begging for food and he stole the container, spilling cheerios all over and I don’t know, was I just robbed?

Neighbor was watering her plants as if they owed her money like how would YOU like to be waterboarded lady

I wish I could stop naming Bruce Willis films. I guess old habits… Pulp Fiction.