Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I don’t understand wishing dead celebrities happy birthday. Shoutout to Mary Queen of Scots, who would be 577 today.

I’m a low maintenance girlfriend. Just bring me a bouquet of cats.

It is not stealing if you walk into a place and do not know where you are or what is happening and just take whatever food you can carry because it is the only thing that makes sense in that moment.

I am a bear.

My favorite thing about single people is how they champion being single till they like someone then they transform into a hypocritcalpotamus

Where my American History knowledge comes from:
25% school
25% internet
50% Forrest Gump

You meet the rock singer Meat Loaf while he’s out with his kids. He says, “These are my boys, Gravy, Mashed Potatoes, and Kyle.”

oh you’re an industrialist? name 5 cheesecakes manufactured at cheesecake factory

[taking FRIENDS quiz]

7. Which character do you most identify with?

Ross

8. Which is your least favorite character?

Ross

I’ve reached the age where I meet a person I would consider “older” and then find out they’re the same age as me.

My wife texted me from the bedroom last night saying she ate crackers in bed and she needed help changing the sheets because crumbs were everywhere.

Turns out that was not an excuse to get me in the bedroom for sex. She literally ate crackers like our 4 yo.

this is the kind of friend i am

Judge: Guilty
Me: Sayyoudidwhat.
Judge: What did you say?
Me: Judge? Did you just reverse my sentence?
*Stage dives into cheering jury*

My hair stylist asked for a pic so she could assess my hair for a comeback appointment and I was just told she suddenly left the country.

[gets anchor tattoo removed]

Oh dear

[slowly floats towards the sun]

Im not dating any guy with hair longer than mine. I refuse to compete for pretty hair.

This is the part of the job I really hate [goes to work]

I know dropping your phone/keys in a public toilet is bad but have you ever lost a shoe trying to kick the flusher

Thanks a lot bathroom doors with the gender written in weird symbols. I just want to pee, not solve a sudoku puzzle.

Mafia Boss: You wearin’ a wire?
Me: “Wire” you asking me that? lol get it

[the rest of this tweet takes place on the bottom of a river]

culinary school students be like “bruh i got spaghetti due at midnight 😰”

*leads a conga line off of a bridge

Never go grocery shopping hungry. Always bring a chair to the furniture store. Buy clothes in a swimsuit. I’m not clear on the rules

You gotta admit Wile E. Coyote going through the entire process of making a movie just for it be scrapped as a tax write off is incredibly on brand for him.

psycho uses a TON of central framing and its making me so mad because you just KNOW that alfred hitchc*ck was doing it for the sake of tik tok video clips

Great Halloween costume idea for couples: Go in a tandem Titanic costume, then get into a big fight halfway thru the night and break up

God: “At least I didn’t get FAT.”
Buddha: “At least I didn’t get CRUCIFIED.”

I want my house to be tidy enough so that if someone drops by unexpectedly it doesn’t look like we’re six days into battling a poltergeist.

Boss: This is my wife Sue and my kids…

Me: Whoa! Look at the MELON on this little guy. Man…hope he was a c-section Hahaha!

Boss:

Me:

If there isn’t an open bar at my funeral then count me out, I’m not going!

What do bats eat that makes their shit our standard for crazy?