What’s wrong with university websites, a short play:
*opens university homepage*
*types in search box: “calendar”, “academic calendar”, “JUST SHOW ME THE PAGE WITH THE ACADEMIC CALENDAR ON IT”*
*gives up*
*googles name of university + “academic calendar”*
*clicks hit #1*
~fin~
I just watched the uncut version of Scarface…….it’s called Face.
Apparently it’s 7 years today since I discovered that adding googly eyes to the tap on a wine box makes it look like Shaun the Sheep.
bro, you’re fine. you just need an impossible sequence of events to play out in perfect order against all odds and you’ll be fine
Accidentally bought a left-handed bottle of shampoo and now I have to shower facing the other direction.
*calling 911 for the fifth time*
{breathing heavy & whispering} okay, the spider has just reached the ceiling
When you put it that way… 😂
me: lol THAT’S your sword?
enemy: this blade can cut through steel
me: [confidently] I’m not even made out of steel you idiot
That one tiger that got caught by his toe still hasn’t lived it down.
Love how Google seems to know everything I’m doing before I even think about it, but Google Maps needs me to completely type out an address before it knows I’m not looking for driving directions from the US to India.
Told my dealer I wanted a shitload of Coke but autocorrect changed it to shipload now I owe a Columbian cartel 18 million dollars
I’m surprised carving faces into vegetables after pulling out their innards isn’t incorporated into more American Holidays.
PSA: Tipsy driving is drunk driving.
I wipe my counters with raw chicken breasts because I refuse to have weak children.
luke, thats a persons name. whys everybodys star wars name gotta be like, hoobie doodoo or seb neb or something
It’s me lowering myself down like the upside down kiss scene in Spider-Man but to eat a croissant out of a bakery display
*accidentally answers phone call*
*pretends to be answering machine*
Had a tiny prick in my gums today at the dentist
Anyway, thought of you
I wrote a check today at the grocery store and then I left and got on my horse and buggy and slowly drove away.
Wife’s asleep, so while watching TV I apologized to her corner spot on the sofa, for opening the bag of chips during key scenes
I bet somebody on Facebook is vowing to not eat Russian salad dressing EVER AGAIN.
If Russia prepares for war the way it prepares for the Olympics then we have nothing to worry about.
if you have a disgusting hacking cough ask your doctor if the seat directly across from me on the bus is right for you
Well, I don’t know how my tattoo is gonna look when I’m 60, Carol, but I know you’ll be dead by then so
her: take off my bra
me: ok
her: take off my panties
me: wow ok
her: stop wearing my clothes
one of the most amazing things in nature is that the basketball hoop is the perfect size to fit a basketball through
I just realized my slack status for the last hour has said “hot dog” because I was searching for the hot dog emoji so I could note that I was at lunch but I just typed “hot dog” as my status and then it just gave me that lil 💬 guy as the emoji. Everyone’s slackin me “hot dog”
In my mind, I’m about 22-years old. Then I walk by a mirror.
I think I speak for everyone when I say how dare you, Oreo serving size, how dare you.
Walking around the house looking for my coffee that’s already in my hand doesn’t mean I’m losing my mind.
It means I’m a parent.
It’s easy to tell hedgehogs from porcupines. Porcupines aren’t blue.
