“what’s wrong with you” right now or in general
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The word “beard” comes from an old Latin phrase meaning “sit on my face”
When I go into a gas station I always make sure I look cute and whistful because it’ll be the last footage people see of me if I get abducted and go missing. They’ll be crying, “her hair was on point 😭😭😭” “of course she got a Dr Pepper 😭 classic Summer”
If you don’t have any friends who have covid right now you’re blessed or you probably don’t have friends
Wife: please stop eating so much salt.
Me: why?
Wife: too much sodium can lead to high blood pressure, heart attack, and stroke.
Me: so you’re saying too much sodium is a salt with a deadly weapon?
Wife: [pours more salt on my food].
My 3yo found an Easter egg during the egg hunt that was obviously from last year, it was full of stale jellybeans covered with ants, opened it and yelled, excitedly “WOW I GOT AN ANT ONE!!!!!”
Last night my kids suggested I kill and eat someone to gain his strengths. I think I should start locking the door when I sleep.
Booked an escape room but just to get away from everyone… no plans of escaping, they’re gonna have to kick me out
Her: Does that dog actually play chess?
Me: He’s not so smart. I beat him 2 games out of 3.
*Dog Barks
Me: Alright, 1 game out of 3.
[telling a scary story to a group of moths] and when she opened the door..[holds flashlight to face] she- AH GET OFF OF ME YOU GUYS
peter parker, bitten by radio-active spider: *donates $65 to NPR*
I was a professional waxer for four years till the law shut me down for naming my shop Smoothie King.
I told him I’d send him nudes everyday he was sick, but we are on day 17 now… how long does the flu normally last?
ever since i was young i knew i wanted to be on the computer
Said to my girlfriend that she had changed my life more that she will ever know. She became overwhelmed with emotion. I didn’t have the heart to tell her it was because she showed me a shortcut on Microsoft Excel which I now use daily
The doctor should ask how often you miss your mouth entirely when drinking
All this forehead and I can’t remember what I went into the kitchen for.
Carpenters are only in it for them shelves.
No baby, I’m not dumping you. I’m just rebranding myself as your ex.
roses are red,
what happened to “yeet”?
are we still dabbing?
heyooo send tweet.
I love when a sandwich is cut in half. You finish the first half and you’re sad because you’re out of sandwich. Then you look down and there is more.
movie idea: Dracula, but he’s allergic to blood, so he gets diarrhea a lot (movie loosely based on my relationship with dairy)
i want the met gala theme to be “work from home” and celebrities just wear designer sweatpants and shirts with holes in them
Pretty sure my refrigerator is having sex with itself from all the noises its making.
torturing my cousin whos trying to get me a birthday gift
me: (11 pm) 😴
me: (1 am) 😴
me: (3 am) 😴
me: (5 am) 😴
me: (7 am) 😳DAMN! I forgot to move the elf, again!
Hay is for horses. Hey is for when you forget someone’s name.
Some of my friends have really unattractive children and I don’t say a word I just carry this heavy cross
Writing a letter to Santa now because I don’t wanna seem like one of those friends that only reaches out when I want something
Wife: I hate that thing
Me: My glass? It’s a souvenir from abroad!
Wife: It’s a mug from Mexico
Me: It’s a collector’s item!
Wife: It says “Jalapeno Poopers”
Me:
Wife:
Me: You want me to toss it?
Wife: I want you to stop using it to serve scotch at dinner parties