“what’s wrong with you” right now or in general
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If your kid complains about how bored they are during winter break put a cape on them and say, “Now you’re super bored!” and then fly away.
Oh honey, when I said I wanted to grind your face I meant with a meat grinder
Wife: Use your fingers to make me squirm
Me: *plays Baby Shark on Fisher Price xylophone*
Show your dominance by constantly giving HR new reasons to update the employee manual
Professor: Today’s exam is written. Next week we will do oral
Class in unison: I HAVE A BOYFRIEND
When I said I wanted to take it slow, I meant your life.
Nasal rinses are great bc they clear your sinuses and also let you feel like you’re jumping into a pool without the pool.
[climbs a Tibetan mountain for 6 days & stumbles out of breath into a Buddhist monastery] please. please tell me u have wifi
Duct tape will only support 35 lbs when trying to climb walls like Spiderman. (I’m sober now)
Just saw Stuart Little hit a kid and keep driving
got so much cardio in today
I can understand why chickens wake up and scream
Having a personal trainer at the gym is like having that bully in school. They still terrorize you, but now they make you do pistol squats before taking your lunch money.
DAD: Sorry it’s not a pony, honey. Best I could do
LITTLE GIRL: [riding gigantic earthworm] This is Princess Doomtube. She shall be feared
Me: 🎵 mama
My Mom: hi son
Me: 🎵 just killed a man
My Mom: new phone who dis
I put the hummingbird feeder by the other bird feeders so the hummingbirds are forced to learn some social skills.
If you trip over nunchucks in the bathroom, you probably have kids.
Or a really crappy ninja is hiding in your shower.
“Take me with you,” I whisper, palms pressed to the windowpane, watching the trash truck drive away.
Billy, 41, Aries, has been driving a city bus for 15 years but hopes to one day follow his dream and be a professional hand model. He enjoys country music and poker night with the boys. He is hoping to find someone willing to take a gamble on him and fix his achy breaky heart
Following a series of poor personal decisions I now owe the ferret mafia six grand and my only way out is to be the driver for a meat heist planned by a squirrel dragged back in for one last job, assisted by a weasel nobody trusts. Not even the stoat bagman.
marry someone u only kinda like so if u get a divorce it won’t be that bad
At least once a day my daughter does something I can’t comprehend, and I stare at her like a caveman who just stumbled across a fighter jet.
You politely tap a jogger with your car one time, and suddenly you get labeled a hero.
This guy thinks he can take my girlfriend home with him just because he bought her a few drinks and he’s married to her. Men.
John Wick 4 was so good I wish violence was real
[movie]
*guy hugs woman from behind while she cuts vegetables*
wife: Awwme*does same thing*
wife:ARE YOU TRYING TO MAKE ME LOSE A FINGER?!
Them: you smell so good what is that?
Me: bleach
I’ve accepted that I’ll never know how that M+ button on a calculator works.
I don’t want a boyfriend. Just someone to call me beautiful, love me right, and fix the clogged drain in my bathtub. Mostly the drain thing.