“what’s wrong with you” right now or in general
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Pfizer: our vaccine is 90% effective
Moderna: our vaccine is 95% effective
Pfizer: sorry, I meant ours is 95%. That’s what I meant to say
Moderna: ours is 195%
Oxford: ours can fold fitted sheets
Pilot: “What does this button do?”
*intercom turns on*
Pilot: “Doesn’t do anything. Not sure what any of these buttons do.”
Don’t tell your friend you like her sweater unless you mean it; she might knit you one.
Me: I don’t think this YouTube video is appropriate.
5-year-old: If you’re scared, I can watch by myself.
The point of your 20s
Detective: Thefts of geese from the local park have continued. Who wants to look at the report?
Me: I’ll take a gander
Detective: *eyes me suspiciously*
I come from a time when my belly was flat and my TV was fat
Now my TV is flat and my belly isâŚOOOOO LOOK OREOâs
*stomps feet during a tantrum, reaches fitbit step goal*
âWHAT DO WE WANTâ
âVAGUENESS AND IMPATIENCEâ
âWHEN DO WE WANT ITâ
âSOMETIME SOONâ
I wanna go out
I wanna come in
I wanna go out
I wanna come in
I wanna go out
I wanna come in-My dog, all day long.
Working at McDonald’s at 16 taught me I didn’t want to work at McDonald’s at 17.
feel so stupid. none of them have the mustache. no way to tell which baby is hitler.
Me: [driving into a parking garage]
Wife: why are you ducking your head?
Me: the ceiling is super low, I donât want the car to scrape it.
Wife:
Me:
Wife: thatâs fair.
What do whales do on a date?
Net flicks and krill.
#WhaleDay #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
I was at Asda today and a child was misbehaving so his mother pointed at me saying âif you donât stop heâs gonna take you awayâ like wtf no im not
“No, Mr. Bond, I expect you to dye.” Auric Goldfinger giving instructions at his Easter egg decorating party.
it’s weird to me when people say their heroes are writers, actors or directors when there are people who say “well, goodnight” and go to bed in the middle of parties they’re hosting
THE AUDACITY. đ¤
detectives are always like âwhat were u doing the night of april 5thâ i literally couldnât tell u what i was doing 6 hours ago bro just lock me up
Fun prank: Super glue a baby to the floor and see how many people try to pick it up as they walk by
*glamorously folds laundry
*seductively wipes off countertops
*slowly bends over to pick up toys
*sexily trips over the cat…
the cat just jumped in through the window, saunted right through the living room and STOOD ON MY BANANA SANDWICH FOR FIVE SECONDS WITH HIS DIRTY FEET WHILE SCREAMING AT ME FOR BEING LATE WITH HIS LUNCH FOR GODS SAKE
I don’t like camping, if I wanted to sleep outside I wouldn’t pay my mortgage.
[working in a nail salon]
Me: How short would you like me to bite them?
When friends or family ask me if I’m going to have another baby, I just gesture at the chaos of my life and yell, “ARE YOU NOT ENTERTAINED?”
HER: I still think you made up that word just so you could win at Scrabble
ME: that’s ridictacular
Him at 1am: Wanna come over?
Me: Sure thing, sexy
-Cut to me crawling out of his TV like that girl in The Ring
Drug Dealer: are you wearing a wire?
Me: the only wire I’m wearing is why’re you still single?
Cops Outside In Van: *collective groan*
I told my daughter to check her attitude and she looks at me and said “For complaints about attitude please contact the manufacturer.”
Well played, well played!