“what’s wrong with you” right now or in general
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Welcome to parenthood. Your new hobbies are setting fake timers, trying not to scream, and the occasional shower.
Cats sleep 18 hours a day and only get up to murder.
I respect that.
For the first year I drank liquor, I thought I was being pranked. I was waiting for one of my friends to say, “Gotcha! Here’s the stuff that tastes good.”
My husband has been gone for 6 months. He’s on his 4th tour of Ikea.
I drive an extra five miles on my way home from work so I can access my mailbox from the drivers side.
ladies say I’m a hamster in the sheets because I squeal when I’m uncomfortable and I leave small pellets in the bed
“I’m not that kind of girl.”
~That kind of girl
A haunted house but it’s just me walking from room to room to see the mass destruction that occurred when I left my kids alone for 5 min to take a shower.
I can forgive the fact that Peter Peter was a pumpkin eater, but I can’t abide by the fact that his first and last name are the same.
Everybody’s talking about the super obnoxious drunk guy at the bar last night. I was at that same bar and I didn’t even notice him. Weird.
My resume reads like an oddly formatted apology letter
waiter: any allergies i should know about?
me: uh, peanuts?
waiter: [disappointed] aw i already know that one.
My brother-in-law: what’s your kittens names?
My 10yo: Jinx and Jingles.
BIL: Which one is the black one?
10yo: that one. *points to black kitten*
Me: How long should I roast asparagus in the oven?
Food Blogger: Wondering how long to roast asparagus? C’mere! I’ve got your answer!
Me: Cool! Thank-
Food Blogger: I was born on a farm in Tennessee. My father was an angry man with 3 fingers on each hand. A war injury…
me: Baby shark doo doo doo doo doo doo baby shark doo doo doo doo doo baby shark! Mommy shark doo doo-
Other people on life raft: please stop
Steps to survive on a dessert island:
1. check spelling
2. if correct, enjoy
My wife thinks it’s weird how much I stare at my phone now but it was probably even weirder when I was a kid just staring at the landline all day
there are only 2 generations:
-America’s Funniest Home Videos
-Tik Toks
why do guys named timothy go by tim when they could go by moth
And where the back of the wardrobe should have been, one passed through until the air grew cold and one could feel the brush of pine trees. This Ikea wardrobe is terrible.
Topic: Excited about mustard!
MustardNewbie99: Hey guys! Just tried this french mustard and it really opened my eyes! Has anyone else tried it?
InTheCourtOfTheMustardKing
412,294 Posts
Registered 3/13/2002
[SUPER ADMIN – MANDATE OF HEAVEN]
No, we’ve never tried moutarde forte🙄
Been running on this treadmill for three hours but the timer says 16 minutes
My next tattoo will be “helvetica” written in Arial. When a woman corrects me on it, I will marry her
*4yo son, crying*
I’m sorry! How was I supposed to know I wasn’t supposed to cook the macaroni necklace?
*sigh*
Parenting is hard.
Worst part of my old job was drug screenings. Had to tell a guy he was pregnant. Lesson: don’t use your girlfriend’s urine for testing.
I’m dressing for the weather I desperately want, not the weather I currently have.
*grabs your ankle from a storm sewer* if your barbie doll needs a hula hoop use an onion ring
I sign all my coworker’s birthday cards, “Please know, this does not mean we’re friends” just to avoid any future awkwardness.
ME: My husband of 20 years minorly annoyed me today
TWITTER: Dump him, queen 💅✨