“What’s wrong with you?”
Me: the same things that are always wrong with me…were you expecting something new?
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Ok Canada, poutine is great, but you should try putting mashed potatoes and gravy on the fries. I’d try it here but we don’t have universal healthcare.
The secret to a good marriage is that it’s all about give and take. Giving each other frequent back rubs and ordering lots of takeout
Just congratulated my ex on dating someone so young that her Throwback Thursday photos are just pictures of her pregnant mom. I’m a dream.
-Your house is amazing. Why are u renting this cheap?
-It’s haunted by a low level demon
Demon: Wow I’m right here that is like so hurtful
My mom still hasn’t used the roomba I bought her two years ago for Christmas because, quote, “I don’t want it to judge our house.”
When I am calculating any risk, I think to myself: is this first cat life behavior? Or ninth cat life behavior?
[dinner party at spooky castle]
host: so NONE of you will leave here tonight..
guests: *gasp*
host: ..without a HUG!
It’s amazing that no one at this swim up bar has had to go to the bathroom in the last three hours.
A conga line? Now that‘s something I can get behind
I’m slightly concerned my answer for everything is masturbation. Can’t sleep? Masturbate. Poor? Masturbate. Lost the remote? Go for it.
Nothing more humbling than being at a karaoke birthday party with a bunch of singers.
Imma get shredded!
Goes to the cheese aisle.
Wow planes really have bad luck on that day
Sorry I’m late, I was untangling my AirPods.
[First Date]
Me: “I’m sorry. It’s just that I’ve been burned before.”
*Stuffs handful of fries through visor in hazmat suit
*Closes visor
Me: This is my semester. Imma get it together and graduate.
Sinus infection followed immediately by stomach flu: Right…
If I were a cashier I’d pretend people were waiting in line to kiss me.
I’ve had some terrible ideas but never “chili restaurant in an airport” bad
All I’m saying is never ask a bald man if he remembers something off the top of his head.
Me when I hear gossip
me after killing a werewolf: more like werewolf {but this time i pronounce it were, like the second person singular past, plural past, and past subjunctive of be}
This is why I hate group projects
Me with a black eye: You should see the other guy – he looks amazing. I think he moisturizes.
Everybody always says say “No!” to drugs, but I’m thinking that if you’re talking to drugs, it’s too late
Cats don’t tell police where your drugs are.
[filling out birth certificate]
Me: we’re naming him Greg
Doctor who used to be Starbucks barista: [writes “Grork”]
I bet i could still be a stuntman
[Breaks a hip getting off the couch]
Okay maybe not
No one girl should have all that power. 😂
Birthday Card Discreetly Passed Around Office Like Some Sort Of Covert CIA Operation
