Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

One of our doctors has such good handwriting, I’m beginning to wonder if he’s really qualified.

Coworker: What are those chocolate coins you guys get on Hanukkah called?
Me: Gelt.
Coworker: Guilt?
Me: No, Jews get that all year round.

If I were a waitress, I’d be planting fake engagement rings in every girl’s food, just to see their boyfriends panic.

[first day as a wizard] now, to cook the perfect amount of pasta

I got groceries delivered from Safeway and there was a mix up where instead of hand soap and dish detergent I got a bag with 4 jars of salsa, I’m over here washing my hands with salsa and somewhere else in the city there’s a chips n’ soap party going on

That depressing moment when you thought a hot chick was checking you out in the beer aisle but only to find out she was just a cardboard cutout.

It’s funny, when I walk into a spider web I demolish his home and misplace his dinner yet I still feel like the victim.

The washing machine broke so I had to wash my undies in the river. As a bonus, 3 catfish floated to the top afterwards, so dinner is served!

I lost 6 hours of sleep last night, lying in bed wondering if Muppets get haircuts.

My Plans 2020

Most kids have a stuffed animal or blankie. My niece has one of those plastic owls u put outside to scare away birds

You gotta sprinkle in a few yeahs with those uh huhs or else they’re gonna know

Cereal is basically dog food for humans.

Anthropic principle: the universe must be as it is in order for us to perceive it

Anthropomorphic principle: look, I’m a talking principle!

Teacher: ok class bring your dioramas to the front of the class
Me: [holding a bowl of diahorrea] oh no…

NURSE: *bursts in* Dr., come quick!
DR DOG: CHRIST, JULIE! Don’t you knock?!?
*hides magazine of sexy Labradoodles being sprayed with hoses*

🥃

The water pressure of the hotel shower would best be described as paintball fight.

The reason I don’t use Uber is any one of you could be a driver.

son: is this microwave friendly?

me: [patting microwave] yes he is

me: im just so tired of the monotony of my life, it’s exhausting doing and seeing the same things every day
target employee: you could probably just not come here as much?

Every sitcom: So you know how in your late twenties and early 30s, you have this close group of friends that just kind of hangs out at each other’s houses all the time?

Teenage me: definitely.

30s me: Wait, what

I’m rubber, you’re glue. I’m destroying the planet and you are made of dead horses

Me: I think I drank too much yesterday and gave away half my wealth to you by mistake

Pizza guy: oh yeah about that, here’s your T.V. remote back

After three days of uncontrolled laughing, random face slapping, and running into the ocean in ball gowns, I threw away my Dior perfume.

–

Dad:

Mom:

Two year old with over developed brain: Mother. Father. I do not mean to bother you but it seems I’ve soiled the crib. I tried cleaning it up but my arms are too small for me to-

Mom: Why do you have a brutish accent?

Dad: That’s the question you wanna ask?

People who ask themselves what Jesus would do seem to forget just how badly things worked out for him.

Never heard of the diseases mani and pedi, but she says she needs a cure for them.

Son: I can’t wait to be older.

Me [frantically swatting away bees because my bald spot makes me look like a flower from behind]: yes it’s great

The year is 2491. The machines patrol the dusty ruins looking for the last pockets of human resistance. And they STILL haven’t managed to make a packet of biscuits where the “tear here” is aligned with where you actually have to tear.