“What’s wrong with you?”
Me: the same things that are always wrong with me…were you expecting something new?
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me: it kind of feels like you’re judging me right now
judge: it’s called “sentencing”
A monarchy is crowning a new king & later we’ll watch horses run in a circle for entertainment. Tonight I’m gonna party like it’s 1199.
I taught my daughter to whistle a few days ago and now I’m teaching her that whistling can lead to adoption.
Why do people leave mattresses on the side of the road? Do they really think someone will take it? Do you think I should wash it first?
The word October loosely translates to ’eight bers’
there should be a three day weekend: one day to do Nothing, one day to do Something, and one day to do Laundry
I would not hook up with the grinch but i would feel good if i found that he wanted hook up with me
We can land a rover on freakin Mars but still no single-button to push for the
¯_(ツ)_/¯ emoji
What does a Thesaurus eat for breakfast?
A synonym roll.
“I hope this email finds you well”
The email finding me
“And we’re back at the Baby Walking Finals!”
“Our next competitor is attempting a 3 inch step…”
“He got his right foot down firmly and the grandparents are impressed. Can he stick the landing?”
“He’s coming down with his left foot and… Ohhhhh he’s fallen flat on his face!”
Welcome to middle age.
Only one nostril works
Crying on the way home from visiting my kid at college.
I miss her already but mostly I’m crying because she took all the money from my purse.
Future Headline:
“Trump Caught On Tape Eating Newborn Babies,
Hillary Caught Using Friend’s Netflix Password
Undecideds Still On The Fence”
DOG DRIVING INSTRUCTOR: Please assume the correct position for operating a vehicle.
DOG STUDENT: *sticks head out window*
DDI: Excellent.
West Side Story gave me the wrong impression. No one at this gang fight is a good dancer and I’ve been shot in the arm.
I have read all the opinions on Will Smith and Chris Rock.
My conclusion is that people are irritating.
I honestly thought driving this DeLorean would get me lots of hot women but it’s completely backfired *slaps my mother’s hand away*
[duck is quacking] damn dude that duck is in SERIOUS disrepair [sprays wd-40 into duck mouth] [duck starts chirping like nightingale]
A big part of my wife’s cardio routine is rolling away from me in bed.
Instead of the little blue bird Twitter should have used a rooster for it’s emblem.
What could represent this place better than a creature that starts screaming every time a new day begins?
Dr: If you want to lose weight, you need to do things that’ll make you sweat.
Me: *applies for a loan*
PIGEON KID: I need to go bad
PIGEON MOM: Try to hold it until we find a statue
It’s cute how the grocery store cashier told me to have a great Thanksgiving like I won’t be back to the store six more times in the next seven days.
Harness the power of my dog’s wagging tail and we could step into a much greener future.
Sorry I handed you a broom when you asked for a ride.
ME: sometimes i just repeat your name instead of laughing
HANNAH: that is the stupidest thing I’ve ever heard
ME: hannahannahannahannaha
One day, the fridge will take revenge on me, every half hour opening the door to my room, staring at me for a few minutes & then walk away.
*text to wife 2 hours after she goes away for week long trip*
hey, whats the best way to get grease off my favorite basketball shorts and do we have a fire extinguisher?
love you
ps – does the dishwasher usually smoke? also do I like cucumbers??
Love you, dont worry about me
Me: it’s robocop
Wife: it’s not robocop it’s dangerous*a roomba with a gun taped to it is shooting at our cat*