Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I once sprained my wrist flapping away too vigorously in a panic after I walked into a massive spider’s web. I told everybody I damaged my hand playing rugby

Elderly Woman: Excuse me, young man…could you help m-

Me: I have a grandma.

the area 51 thing but someone makes an event called “Don’t Go To Work, They Can’t Fire All of Us” and then we trick everyone into a general strike by calling it a “meme”

A grand jury is made up of a cross-section of the community.

I ride the train w/the cross-section & it’s mostly people peeing on the floor.

HER: I still think you made up that word just so you could win at Scrabble

ME: that’s ridictacular

Do all gothic horror stories have to be in ancestral family homes? I am too poor for generational hauntings.

I’m really good at acting like I’m sorry the elevator door is closing and you missed it.

Me: How was my snoring last night?

Wife [with earplugs in]: WHAT

“I just tried to make reservations at the library”
You don’t need a res-
“Couldn’t get one though”
Don’t do this
“They were fully booked”

Fear not, ugly caterpillar. For one day you will become a beautiful butterfly
[emerges from cocoon]
AH WTF I’M A MOTH THIS IS BULLSHIT

Told my daughter work was tough today and she patted my back and said, “Life isn’t always pickles and peaches,” like some kind of 3rd Grade Confucius.

The wife told me to stop acting childish this morning and I really couldn’t say anything back, I wasn’t speechless I just had a whole donut in my mouth.

I play guitar but I only know a couple songs
Them: what kind of guitar?
Me: air guitar

Should we just leave the door open for Santa since we don’t have a chimney?

-my kid who is about to get us burglarized

Coffee so strong, you finish the “to do” list, that you haven’t even written yet.

Me: Hi, I’d like to make an appointment for a bath.
Petsmart employee: Sure, what’s your dog’s name?
Me: Dog?

Twitter is a lot like kindergarten; there’s yelling, giggling, struggling with basic reading comprehension…and everyone is super excited to show you their toys.

It’s funny how we all sleep differently. I sleep on my side My roommate sleeps on his back. My ex sleeps with everybody. That sort of thing

Interviewer: Can you stand for long periods of time?

Me [from my wheelchair]: What do you think?

There should be a Mad Max movie that reveals the world outside Australia has actually remained pretty normal

[before sex]

ME: Did you notice I waxed?

WIFE: I wondered what happened to your eyebrows

[bankruptcy court]
JUDGE: *rubbing bridge of nose* Says here you bought 1000 bouncy castles?
ME: *lips on mic* For my kingdom, Your Honor

Tried to be sly and shove the whole cookie in my mouth without him seeing me.
Then he turned around and asked me a question.

3: mummy can I tell you about my dream?

Me: of course sweetie

3: *finishes 3 hours later* did you like it?

Me: *didn’t listen to any of it* loved it!

3: what was your favourite part?

Me:

3:

Me:

3:

Me: *sweating* the….unicorn part?

3: mine too yay!

Me: yay!

Me: Can I have a gin and tonic?

Them: Sir, this is an elementary school party.

Me: Fine. MAY I have a gin and tonic?

If I believed changing my profile picture could change the world I’d change it to a picture of vending machines that dispense tiger cubs

Husband: *looking at the Amazon packages at the front door*

Me: My eyes are up here.

The human mind is capable of things you can’t even imagine.
Which is a bit of a design flaw really.