Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“Guests, like fish, begin to smell after three days.”

That’s why I keep everyone who comes to visit in the freezer.

Whenever someone talks to me, I freak out because I forget people can see me.

[a movie on dvd]
ugh, i’ve seen that a million times

[the same movie on tv with commercials]
OOH, IT’S JUST STARTING

Cop: please step out of the car
Me: *pulling away* suck it, cop!
Roller coaster operator: he’ll be back in 2 min 24 seconds

[at my funeral]
Priest: he died doing what he loved
My friend Pete from the back: he liked it yeah but I wouldn’t say he loved making toast in the bath

What did parents do before smart phones, hold their babies with two hands or something?

I was walking near a construction site today and heard the foreman yell, “You’re doing a good job!” I know that was meant for me.

Him: I bet she’s thinking about other guys

Me, deep in thought: I am personally offended that 7 tortilla chips is a serving size

Overhead my kids arguing about what color is the “tastiest” for a banana to be eaten. One said yellow with brown spot and the other said green.

First of all, this just proves that kids can fight about anything and secondly, both of them are wrong… It’s yellow.

terminator extends hand: come with me if you want to live

me:

terminator: i said come with me if

me: i heard you the first time

No Himalayan cow hoof for me please. I’m yak toes intolerant.

I had a thought so dumb today that I Venmo-ed a friend $5 before I texted it to her.

Nobody is happy. Be like Nobody.

*i drop my pen at work*
Guy who backpacked around Europe: that reminds me of this little village in the north of Romania

[Reading to 6 about sea turtles this AM before school]

Me: “A nest of sea turtle eggs that is in colder temperatures will hatch all male. A nest in warmer temperatures will hatch all females.” Hmm, cool. Didn’t know that.

6: *thinking* Sooo…Mommy was hot when she had me?

Me:

*puts on wrestling mask*
*stretches*
*runs in place*
*cracks knuckles*

Me: Let’s do this!

Kid: It’s just thumb wrestling, lady.

Me: Bring it, loser!

[opens fortune cookie]
-You will have a great night
“aw, that’s neat, wait there’s more” [unrolls note further]
marish clown assassinate you

Nothing scarier than unlocking your phone in front of coworkers and not remembering what the last thing on your screen was.

I had a dream I was driving and following my friend to her house. But she kept making turns from wrong lanes and I was trying to keep up with her

And then I realized “oops that’s not my friend and I’ve been following a stranger and probably scaring them” lol

Me: you’re a coward

Tattooist: it’s just not possible to tattoo your whole body “denim”

home depot should sell a 12ft turkey skeleton for thanksgiving

For the low, low price of a $25 donation, you too can be totally annoyed by me for several days until you pay another $25 for me to shut up.

it’s may 17. what’s next? may 18? i didn’t sign up for this

changed my bio on bumble to “I’m gonna murder ur whole family” and guys still responded

I’m pretty sure 2020 came fresh from the Pet Sematary

If Nelly tells you “it’s getting hot in here”, it’s not your job as a journalist to take off all your clothes, it’s your job as a journalist to look out the window and find out if it’s true

WHAT DO WE WANT AMERICA?

ROCK HARD ABS!!!

WHEN DO WE WANT THEM?

RIGHT AFTER WE FINISH THIS BOX OF DOUGHNUTS!!!

Ok you with pneumonia, go sit between the perfectly healthy lady and the guy with the blood shooting out of his leg

and wait.

-hospitals

Me: Super size it!
Pharmacist: No.

>when you hit the end game in a JRPG but your party is underleveled