Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[at dinner]

Me: *rubbing sugar on my gums*

Wife: What are you doing?

Me: I dunno…saw some cool guy doing it in the bathroom

Time machine jokes are offensive to me. A time machine killed my great-great-grandson.

I get it Bryan Adams. It was the summer of 69, but what year?

“You’ve still got it girl”
I say as I thread the needle first try!

The liquor store has hours of operation but I call them visiting hours.

“Stressed” backwards is “desserts” so chill and have that cupcake.

If you don’t have plans tonight, head to a crowded restaurant, stand up during the meal, and say “She said yes!”. Free applause and dessert. You’re welcome.

My kids just connected worlds in Minecraft. So now they can fight in a virtual universe too.

I saved $30 by cutting my own hair.
I might have also saved my own life cuz I’m not leaving this house until it grows back in.

Today’s assignment:

If anyone asks you what you’re doing this weekend, grab them and shake them saying “What have you heard? WHAT HAVE YOU HEARD???”

Just saw an Orca shoplifting at Target

People who give you their attention only when they’re lonely or bored…

No thank you.
I already have a cat.

All panties are edible if you’re dedicated enough.

Never trust a fortune teller buying more than 1 lottery ticket.

Your body is a temple. Mine is a graveyard.

[Party]
HIM: Hi, I’m John.

ME: Hey, I’m Andrew, with a “y”.

HIM: …Where’s the y?

OTHER PARTY GUEST FROM ACROSS THE ROOM: Ugh, why is Andrew here?!

ME: *Finger guns*

I’m a low maintenance girlfriend. Just bring me a bouquet of cats.

Mistook a discarded plastic bag for a rat today as the wind blew it across my path. On the plus side, I can now perform the ‘Gangnam Style’.

6yo: *non stop talking*

Me: *tells 6yo to go read*

6yo: *comes out of room every 2 min to tell me about the book*

me: im just so tired of the monotony of my life, it’s exhausting doing and seeing the same things every day
target employee: you could probably just not come here as much?

“you live and you learn” brother I don’t want to do either of those things

lol

please tinder add AI to your app. i dont want to be involved in the modern dating experience. let a robot do it for me. let the machines suffer in our place

SCIENTIST: dont be stressed! some rocks becom diamonds under extreme pressure
ME: wat about the other rocks
SCIENTIST: oh they turn to dust

Me *calls 911* I got stabbed by an murderer

911: omg

Me: omg

911: “an” murderer haha

Me: haha stop I heard it just as I said it

I just saw some idiot at the gym put his water bottle in the Pringle holder on the treadmill.

Today me is so mad at yesterday me for making plans tonight as if I forgot I was going to be an entire day older

When texting a girl “will you marry me” what’s the best emoji to use?

3 Hurricanes
2 Wildfires
A wild tiger roaming I-75

Who decided to play Jumanji?

“If people work from home, how will I socialize?” You will have to go into the forest, bribe an old witch & have her summon new friends for you like the rest of us have to