Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[creating seahorses]

God: give em little horsey faces

Angel: aww cute

God: fish lookin bodies

Angel: ok…wait, really?

God: curly-cue tails lol

Angel: this is confusing

God: oh yeah? make males carry the eggs til they hatch and explode outta their pouch

Angel:

God: POP

I recycle jokes because I care about the environment, Samantha.

In Russia, Pokemon find you.

if umpires are supposed to be so decisive then they should just be called pires

A panic attack is hearing your teens laughing in another room at the same time you can’t find your phone.

Day 2 of my diet

me: *knocking* hello is anyone home

mcdonalds employee: we told u last week u dont have to knock

me: oh good ur home can i have one mcfood

Me: hey, I like your tummy

Marsupial: thanks, it has pockets

I get all snooty about Great British Bake Off contestants doing things wrong like two years ago I wasn’t googling “what is shoe pastry”

[tv interview]
I’m with Amy. Her house was damaged by the floods, how are you?
[cut to Amy crying]
MORE LIQUID IS THE LAST THING WE NEED AMY

I PowerWashed the scale this morning because it kept calling me dirty names, like fat.

I have a ghost cat. My Litter Robot just told me it detected a 5.9 pound cat. I don’t have a 5.9 pound cat or one close to that weight.

Here’s one of the dumbest thoughts I’ve ever had: I got a coupon for a new car wash place, which was great because my car was really dirty. I noticed that the address was close to my house and thought: “Oh, this is close. Maybe I can just walk?”

Falling in love with me is like cutting your own hair. As in you’ll regret it later.

Ladies, if he’s

– always giving you one-word responses
– unsupportive when you’re visibly upset
– coming over unannounced in the middle of the night
– faintly tapping at your chamber door

He’s not your man. He’s the Raven, nothing more.

me: “£4,000 for a beehive?”
salesman: “sir, there are 8,000 bees in there, that’s only 50p each”
me: [checking my wallet] “give me 3 bees”

No one has a bigger death wish than a 10yo spying on her older sister while her sister is talking to a boy.

Sorry I can’t come to your party, I already made other plans after you invited me.

I just yelled “ACKNOWLEDGE MEEE!” at the automatic sensor in the sink faucet if anyone is wondering how stable I am today.

The best kind of Sundays are the ones where you thought you finished the cake but then you find more cake

if I had a girlfriend I’d cook a giant scallion pancake in the shape of a poncho just to keep her warm

*me liking the smell of gasoline* “i have really expensive taste”

Don’t quote me on this, but I’m pretty sure the guy who invented ice fishing must’ve REALLY hated his wife.

power’s been out for a bit. candlelight is less sexy when you’re using it to feed your puking baby whilst eating cold soup

One day you’re partying til 2am and waltzing into work the next morning

Then all of the sudden you “need a vacation from your vacation”

I don’t know why I would ever look to Google for reassurance when it keeps me well-fed with headlines like, “The No. 1 Sign There’s a Snake in Your Car”

was reading about defunct airlines again and i can’t believe they named it this

[JOB INTERVIEW]

{Don’t let them know you’re a tectonic plate}

“What would you say is your biggest fault?”

San Andreas?

Kinda crazy how the entire country can watch a hurricane destroy a city in real time now. 100 years ago it was just like, “When was the last time anyone heard from Galveston? Months? Should we send someone to check on that?”