“What’s your band name?”
“The Who”
“The band?”
“Not The Band, The Who”
“Please don’t make me guess who”
“Not The Guess Who. The Band is a band but we’re the band The Who”
“May I have some of your drugs?”
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I’m on a diet and a nice thing about it is that, when I’m eating less, my mind is so much clearer and I can see that all that really matters is food
Just heard Justin Bieber vowed not to return to the UK after his disastrous tour here.
Well done the UK. Well done.
food for thought? no bro im hungry. food for stomach
Killers in crime shows think they can cover up strangling people but the coronor is always inevitably like “his neck was snapped in a way that was inconsistent with a heart attack”
Me: I know we agreed that you’d stay home but… things are tight right now, and I really need you to get a job
My Dog:
Worlds greatest photobomb
I can eat 47 deviled eggs without throwing up.
Don’t ask how I know this.
football coach: i need you guys to make a play
(8 months later at opening night)
football coach: wait wtf is this
I’m directing a psychological thriller called my twins are running against each other for student council.
Who died and made you king? Oh the king before you died. Well that makes sen- Oh he was your father. Well then I’m very sorry for your loss.
“Lloyd, could you keep your eyes on the road, please?” Oh. Yea. Good thinkin’. Can’t be too careful. A lot of bad drivers out there.
INTERVIEWER: Do you have any hidden talents?
ME: I taught myself how to play piano
INTERVIEWER: By ear?
ME: No, just with my hands
The owner of my AirBnB has a dog named Kevin. His human-sounding name terrified me at first.
On autopsy, instead of pumping my stomach to determine what I’ve eaten in the past 24 hours, a coroner need only look down my cleavage.
JUDGE: I’m going to hold you in contempt
ME [going in for a cuddle]: I don’t care how you do it
10 Easy Steps to Learn Binary:
1) There are 1’s and 0’s
10) There are no 2’s
“I would’ve gotten away with it, too, if it wasn’t for you meddling bondage enthusiasts!”
I made all my money in the 80s selling Rubik’s Hammers. They were for b****-a** Cubes that thought they were smarter than you.
What’s with the attitude? I don’t know what’s gotten into you but I know what hasn’t.
Me: Hey, great costume, buddy! You look like a real…
Him: Ma’am, please step out of the vehicle.
I love when shows have cops escaping jail to finish solving a murder like you broke out to go back to work 😭
this was pretty cool, thanks @funTweeters. means a lot!
‘The cat is up on your counters again.’
~The monster under my bed.
When I see guys with skinny jeans and skin tight T’s on I pretend they are actual giants who woke up tiny and just had nothing else to wear.
After 3 disastrous surgeries I said that’s it no more pretending to be a doctor.
[David Attenborough watching me when I overslept and have 5 minutes to get ready for work]
Extraordinary.
Sober or not if the police ask me to recite the alphabet backwards I’ll just put myself in the back seat of their car.
Mistakes movie theater popcorn butter for hand sanitizer
Hilarity ensues
“I totally didn’t say that.” – God
Him: Are you ready?
Me: *didn’t even know we were going anywhere* Um yeah almost.