Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Autocorrect changed ‘strip’ to ‘syrup’, and honestly, I don’t know which club I prefer.

After buying my limousine, I couldn’t afford a driver.

All that money and nothing to chauffer it.

Mormon cats have 9 wives.

“Anybody got any change?”
My body tenses as I whisper to my little zippered coin purse, “It’s go time.”

Me: I’m gonna get you dressed.

3yo: cool I’m gonna make it as hard as possible for you to do so.

Me: cool.

3yo: cool.

the best sex is the kind that keeps your neighbor up all night. that’s what my neighbors are having.

HER: Let’s do some role playing

ME: Okay, be ur sister

HER: I was thinking a sexy profession..

ME: Oh okay. What’s ur sister do for work?

Hey girl, are you an extraterrestrial? ‘Cause your husband’s out here acting like you don’t exist.

“Your barbeque sauce is on my beagle!” “Your beagle is in my barbeque sauce!” *We both grin and put on bibs*

People who clap when the plane lands don’t aim particularly high do they?

Friend: [rubs my shoulder] Aw, honey, your life isn’t over. It’s just beginning!
Me: *sobs even harder

Establish dominance at work by telling your coworkers they look tired before they get a chance to say it to you

i sent you a message telepathically and you didn’t respond…are you mad at me?

If I win the lottery I’m buying four politicians and some really nice shoes.

exec: any ideas for new kids shows

writer: a mouse tries to murder a cat with a toaster

exec: nice. what else?

writer: a coyote tries to murder a roadrunner with dynamite

exec: love it. any more?

writer: a dude with a speech impediment tries to murder a rabbit with a shotgun

Ever sat cross-legged on the floor, only to realize too late that you’re too old to do that & you can’t get up but you’re too embarrassed to ask for help and please send someone I’ve been here for 2 days.

[bug school]
TEACHER: okay class, who knows the first 2 letters of the alphabet
A BEE: *proudly raises hand*

Kids should come with a “skip intro” button for their stories

[raises hand in English class]
Why do we need to be learned English?
“Hmm.. Couldn’t have worded that better myself, Luke”

I’m definitely getting on top of the laundry. It’s a great place to nap.

Never underestimate a woman sitting quietly in a corner sharpening a knife.

Don’t ask me to kill a spider for you & then criticize my methods. Yes, I had to use a samurai sword, & no, I’m not sorry about your table.

Didn’t make an insurance claim after a car accident because my dashcam footage recorded me singing Summer of 69 really badly when the collision happened.

When I die, just throw the laundry in my grave with me. I want to die exactly as I lived.

I’m so glad we could finally reconnect after all these years because I’d really like your help on my virtual farm.

LOL pills that say don’t take with alcohol. Ok Doc, how do YOU
suggest I take my medication then?

I began writing full time 20 years ago. I’ve sold lots – my tv, my car, my jewellery…

I wanted to lose 10 pounds this year. Only 13 to go.

Mom 1: My son’s gonna be a pro baseball player

Mom 2: Mines gonna be a doctor

Me: My son shows strong signs of being able to escape prison