Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If the hand soap isn’t for drinking why do they put a straw in the bottle?

I was really upset today but then a friend said “don’t be upset” so now I’m not upset anymore

March 16

Murderer: Which of the three of you to kill – it’s quite the dilemma
Me: Technically that’s a trilemma
Murderer: OK now it’s easy

Me: Where were you supposed to poop?

2-year-old: The potty.

Me: So why didn’t you?

2: I’m too busy.

*doorbell rings, I open door*

Alien: Hi! Do you have a moment so I can teach you highly advanced life skills that will save your species?

Me: Yes! My vacuum is making a funny noise. Could you look at it?

Alien calls back to mothership: Can’t I just vaporize her?

*brings a mattress to a trust fall*

Homeless guy at the car wash just said I have beautiful eyes….So don’t play wit me

If Toblerone tastes this good, imagine Toblertwo

I have good and bad news

WIFE: Bad news first

We need a new front door

WIFE: And the good news?

[points to Monster Truck in living room]

I’m not here to offend anyone; I’m here to offend everyone.

You think you’ve brought your kids up right and then you find the toothpaste tube squeezed in the middle.

I’m a strong independent woman, but like, against my will.

[first 2 hours of meeting]

Coworker:

[last 2 minutes of meeting]

Coworker: I just have a quick 6 part question involving a complicated and controversial problem that was almost nearly resolved also this isn’t time sensitive at all but I’d still like an answer right now thanks

Homeschooling, day 8:

People do this willingly?

I opened the internet to read today’s news and quickly said “Oh, god, sorry” and closed it like I’d walked in on an unlocked bathroom stall.

I was led to believe my middle ages would involve more jousts.

I’ve always been a staunch egalitarian, although occasionally I will eat other birds of prey.

Donald Trump said he thinks we made the right decision to leave the EU. This confirms that we absolutely did not make the right decision.

hotels could immediately reclaim 80% of the airbnb market by adding a kitchenette to some of their rooms and equipping them with solid wooden cutting boards and anything less than the world’s shittiest nonstick egg pan

Glen Powell is short for Gleneth Powelltrow

Science Fact: If you see it later, it was an alligator. If you see it after a while, it was a crocodile.

Because I didn’t know any better, I always sang “bowels of holly” as a kid.

My day planner

1. Wake up
2. Eat
3. Wait to eat
4. Eat
5. Wait to eat
6. Eat
7. Wait to sleep
8. Sleep

sandra bullock is a menace oh my god 😭

If you don’t tell me I’m on speakerphone then I’m not responsible for your kids learning new words.

i guess his teacher was really pissed

If you’re wearing slippers in the car, the chances of your child needing you to run in somewhere increase by 500%.

Those who say English majors won’t succeed in the work place underestimate how much creative writing is needed when completing the annual employee self-evaluation.