Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

She didn’t believe I was single so I showed her my bathroom with the Metallica poster

But is it really??

Twitter: “Where people are openly Gay and secretly Republican”

my allegiance to alligators is based on a gut feeling. you see, the crocodile deliberately looks like he wants me dead, and as soon as possible. the alligator appears to give less of a shit, generally. so i’m like, sure, that’s something we can deal with. that’s a starting point

5yo: Mommy, how do you know those things?

Me: Well, I’m smart, kiddo.

5yo: *hesitates* I guess so.

My 3yo just reminded ME to wash my hands after we got home so if anything good were to come out of this pandemic it’s that we’re raising a less gross genera- ope never mind he just ate a booger

HER: I’m leaving u

ME: is it bc of my irrational paranoia

HER: yes

ME:

HER:

ME: did the dog put you up to this

My MIL told my (Canadian) kids to pick something she can send them from Target. Without hesitation my 6yo asked if Target sells diamonds. My work here is done.

It’s “Bring Your Kids To Work Day” and all my cats are fighting in the break room.

Whenever I shut down my computer, it asks, “Are you sure you want to shut down your computer?” Then I wonder if it knows something I don’t.

[marriage counselling]
Her: he always thinks he’s talking to me on CB radio
Me: I don’t, over
Her: It’s over
Me: It’s what? Over

What do you mean you don’t know what Care Bear would win in a fist fight? Get off me, this sex is over.

Little Drummer boy: I have no gifts to bring

Mary: thats ok

Little Drummer Boy: I am a poor boy too

Mary: 🙂

Jesus: *sleeping*

Little Drummer boy: just gonna bang TF outta these drums tho

Joseph: if you wake him up i swear to god

Who chose this font

* gets mugged *

“Add a tip? | 15% | 20% | 30% |”

Cat: HUMAN TERRIBLE THING HAPPEN TO CAT
Me: what
Cat: WAS SLEEPING IN SUN PUDDLE BUT SUN PUDDLE IN DIFFERENT PLACE NOW
Me: yeah Earth’s rotation means the sun is constantly changing positions in the sky
Cat:
Cat:
Cat: MAKE THAT NOT HAPPENING
Me: I can’t
Cat: UR USELESS HUMAN

Push me aside, but I will come back. Hide me, but I will always emerge.
I AM POWER.
I AM RESILIENCE.
I AM A BRA STRAP.

Too bad my 20 year high school reunion was cancelled. My plus 1 was going to be the extra person I gained in weight since high school. Darn

*reading a bedtime story to kids in the 1800s*
little miss muffet sat on her tuffet eating her curds & whey when all of a sudden robert ford shot jesse james in the back as he was hanging a picture, suddenly making interior decorating one of the most dangerous jobs in america

Police: How are you feeling?

Me: I’m fine.

*polygraph explodes*

Taken 4: How does this shit keep happening

Dogs “play sneeze” to show they’re playing and not being aggressive.

What better way to break the ice with your next eHarmony date?

I’m not good at communicating with others these days. I actually started a conversation the other day with “I like your chicken. It’s very fluffy.”

You know you’re single when the only calls you get at night are Nature’s.

Never, EVER, check mail when you get home on a Saturday evening. Unless you’re sure it’s a check made out to you.

God: you can sting people more than once.

Wasp: I mean that’s-that’s not that big a deal.

God: oh. hey Bee come here for a second.

Bee: what’s up?

God: Wasp, tell Bee what you just told me.

Wasp:

Job requirements these days be like:
Looking to hire a caterpillar. Must have ten years experience as a butterfly.

8: but grandma let me

Me: well my mom is cooler than yours

I question the people that blow their nose in a tissue and then look to see what comes out.

Were they really expecting gold or something?

I ran into one of my students at the grocery store with some wine in my cart and he said “that’s because of us isn’t it?”