Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

What am I doing with the rest of my life?

I don’t even know what I’m doing with the rest of this tweet…

Practice self-care like a mummy, wrap your body tightly with a blanket & put an ancient curse onto anyone who disturbs you.

My wife is the most beautiful, intelligent person standing right behind me reading my Twitter feed.

Waiter: how would you like your steak cooked.

Me: like finding out the person you’re talking to in your DM’s is actually single.

Waiter: I’ll ask the chef if we can prepare it that rare.

imagine a store where you can steal anything for free. if you steal it, it’s yours. to make it exciting, if you get caught, they arrest you

I’m going for a run. I have some severely unused sexual energy and tension I need to pound out.

I should be back in about eight days.

I expect 8 to defy me, but my wife telling him to “SWEEP THE LEG!” is uncalled for.

I was only mildly famous in the ’90s but vaccinate your kids

been a while since anyone declared a thumb war, peace has made us all soft.

I ordered my latte wrong at that new gypsy coffee place and now my shadow is a horse shadow

I love chasing after you…
* me to the ice cream man driving down the road

11: dad do you know what 3+3+3+3 is?

Me: 12

11:

Me:

11: ok I was just making sure that you’re not –

Me: choose your next words wisely.

Me: Dude, back off. You’re totally scaring away all the hot guys checking me out at the gym.

H: You do realize I’m your husband, right?

Waiter: Can I get you something to drink?
Me: just cheese dip
Waiter: ….
Me: With a straw please

Thinking about taking a picture with a number pinned to my shirt so it looks like I run marathons.

I just binge watched the first five episodes of Unscrupulent last night and it’s easily the best show I’ve ever made up in my mind.

When you’re attracted to someone and you don’t even know why, that’s called chemystery

,,,and send

It shakes the bottle vigorously or else it gets the pre-ketchup.

Me: *upon exiting the womb* you’ll be hearing from my lawyer

Note to self: do not get drunk and wear jeans that have 6 buttons.

Like sleeping!

rich people are like we have to disguise the refrigerator

*writes in climate’s year book “Best of luck. Don’t ever change!”*

My favorite part about being sick is when you sneeze with a cough drop in your mouth and it launches across the room like a cruise missile.

Shout out to coworkers that wait until the final 5 minutes of a meeting to ask 20 questions. We all hate you

Why does body wash have directions, it’s literally the name

wife: dont say anythin stupid on the way out
me: i wont
[shakes priest’s hand after lovely wedding ceremony]
me: so are you god’s boyfriend?

I’m a Lit major. I did my thesis on why my car is in the front yard and I’m sleeping with my clothes on.