“what’s your favorite childhood memory?”
not going to work.
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If you can’t handle me getting arrested in my pajama pants at Walmart than you don’t deserve me buying produce in my yoga pants at Target.
I was not prepared for how terrifying this Invasion of the Body Snatchers remake would be.
zombie kid: why am i being punished
zombie dad: because i found your hand in the cookie jar
Ummm yeah I want one of those phone case’s where I can put my credit cards in with my phone so when I lose my phone I’m also broke. Genius!
I just found that there’s such a thing as a cheese shop and now I’m changing my vacation plans.
Almost 15 years ago my son was born and you find yourself picturing things they might do in there lives. In that moment, I knew that one day I’d be at high school football game on Friday night watching him.
15 years later and I’m here. Watching him play the tuba at halftime.
Oh my God. Where are you?
Car keys: LMAO
3.14159265358979WISH32384626433THIS832795028WAS8419716939937REAL51058PIE2097494AND45923078NOT16JUST40628MATH620899862BULLSHIT803482534211706
If I wasn’t supposed to have vodka for breakfast they shouldn’t have made it taste so good with orange juice.
If I don’t stick to my diet, people are going to start calling me the last chairbender.
If covid had hit in 2007, there would be 1000 tweets a day saying “Covid has to isolate after being exposed to Chuck Norris.”
plug your corndog into the cigarette lighter to reheat it a little bit while driving
I would organize my thoughts but I’m afraid they would form a union and demand benefits.
I’ve decided to become one of those super relatable twitter accounts. Folks, dontcha just hate it when you drop cob of corn and it rolls out your open front door and people are calling you all day going “I saw your corn”
[holding an acorn]
“do you still love me?”
Wife yells outside-
“that’s not even the same squirrel as yesterday!”“Shaddup you!”
[first day as an undercover cop]
mobster: are you wearing a wire
guy in my earpiece: say no
me: they said to tell you no
My yoga instructor said “sometimes not moving is the hardest thing for us to do,” and I started laughing so hard I had to excuse myself.
Acronyms got me like WTF?
Battery falling down a hole
Girls be like “I love you” and then instead of ghosting you and going fishing with the guys, they spend the rest of their lives with you. Be careful out there
My favourite school memory?
One time we were talking about different olive oils and the teacher asked what does extra virgin mean and everyone turned to look at me.
Me: Can’t you just hot-wire it?
Apple technician: No ma’am, your phone actually needs the passcode.
(My kid looking over my shoulder as I sign an email.)
Kid: You’re not a Dr!
Me: YES I AM! What do you think I was studying for all the time when you were little?
Kid: Oh, I thought you just liked reading books and crying.
model UN: we follow parliamentary procedure, you can’t just call “dibs”
me:
model UN: also you can only be countries that exist
me: the nation of flavortown declares war on the UN
Oh, please don’t pay attention on that voodoo doll you’re going to find outside your door!
That was by mistake
Authorities claim that a Canadian company is at the centre of an international pyramid scheme. The company hasn’t responded to the accusation, but they did ask two people to respond for them, and each one asked two people to respond for *them*, and so on.
[sees kid crying]
Kid: Im lost
Me: that’s ok. We’re all lost. Happiness is an illusion. Life is meaningless. Death is around the corner. Bye
Me: they said they are working on a vaccine and will be out with it soon.
Friend: Who did?
Me: Yep.
“what that mouth do?” complain
Seriously, if I were a manager at Burger King, my answer to every complaint would be, “You’re at Burger King.”