“what’s your favorite childhood memory?”
not going to work.
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My kitchen overserved me.
Me: You come highly recommended, LOL
Drug dealer: *stabs me*
drive thru: can I take your order?
me: no I want it
I want to lose weight, but I don’t want to get caught up in one of those ‘eat right and exercise’ fads.
cashier: whoa 58 boxes of Mac and Cheese, having a party tonight?
me:
Cashier:
me:
Cashier:
me: sure
*Making friends at the playground*
My 6yo: How old are you?
Other kid: I’m 13. What about you?
6yo: Oh I’m almost 13 – I’m 6.
My 4yo: *casually* I’m 15.
My husband hates sex so much he left on a two week business trip. Three weeks early!
why count sheep when I can count my troubles
I’m not exaggerating when I say if I ever clogged a toilet at work I would immediately quit, change my name, and move to a different city
my beloved wife was on the second earth as it detached from our earth and drifted forever #FirstWorldProblems
All the gas has sold out around here so I’m sending the husband out to buy a couple of horses.
My dog tried to put one paw on the floor instead of the scale when she was being weighed and I was like, “I got you girl”
I always assume people with red cars were drunk when they went to the dealership.
Is age 14 too old to leave your kid on a doorstep?
My wife’s fish net stockings are so tight that my legs look like wafer cookies when I take them off.
Eccentric Millionaire: I’ve invited you to my private island because I crave the deadliest game…
Me: (nodding) Knife Monopoly
Eccentric Millionaire: I was actually going to hunt you for sport, but now I’m really interested in whatever Knife Monopoly is
My boys are all taking a week break from electronics. This morning I introduced myself to them and showed them around our home. then I took them outside and showed them the big bright light in the sky.
Chiropractor says just a few more visits and he can pay off his jet ski.
Me: I only wanted a little mayo! I can’t eat this!
Him: Does it matter that much?
Me: Well, would you like me to stab you a little or a lot?
I always feel bad for seedless watermelon because what if they wanted to have babies.
Why does this look like one of the ingredients is painkillers
I’ve never considered myself a social butterfly. More like a social wasp. People run away a lot.
Just saw my 4yo eat a banana like a corn on the cob… so yes the quarantine has changed us.
“Let’s take a couple dozen over-stimulated children and give them enough sugar to kill an elephant.” – inventor of the birthday party
You never feel as old as when you’re scrolling down to find your birth year
6yo granddaughter: wonder how far this will go
Twists doll head til it snaps off
Screeches “mom!!!”
Me: you’d make a rotten serial killer
My 8 year old son got a Wonka Bar for Christmas. His friend said that he didn’t know they sold them in real life & my son said of course they Oompa loompa doompety doo.
“Be strong” I whisper to my coffee.
I’ll call it a smartphone the day I yell “where’s my smartphone?” And it yells
” Down here in the couch cushions”
5: the teacher moved me to the blue table
Me: oh did she move a lot of kids?
5: yeah, some people were touching other people’s nerves
Me: oh who?
5: I don’t know THEY WERE TOUCHING NERVES!
Me: oh ok
5:
Me:
5: what are nerves?