what’s your favorite christmas song about punching a cough drop? mine’s deck the halls
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me:
my cat: i think we can all agree that it’s time for me to scream
Sasquatch: *to tv camera* Tonight we will try a human call and hope for a response. *clears throat* 🎵Sweet Caroline🎵
From a distance: 🎵Bah bah bah🎵
Sasquatch: You heard that! It was a human!
Camera Sasquatch: I don’t know. Could be a bird.
3-year-old: Daddy, I don’t want hair that looks like yours.
Me: What does my hair look like?
3: Like stupid.
She gets her tact from me.
No one:
Me: “The word “Militia” just sounds like Sean Connery saying the name Melissa.”
My 6-year-old is looking at pictures of me when I was 18 and she keeps saying “You still look the same!” Might write her siblings out of the will and leave everything to her idk
If you kill the question, what do you bury?
The question remains.
Fact: 80% of plane crashes happen in the first 3 minutes after takeoff or the last 8 minutes before landing. To make your flight safer, avoid being on a plane during those times.
*lights cigarette
Nah, don’t bother with chloroform. Use Ketamine blow darts. Way more entertaining and you don’t have to catch them.
[slowly rises from trashcan while 2 friends are making plans without me]
i am also free that day.
I’m glad I learned about parallelograms instead of how to do taxes. It’s really come in handy this parallelogram season
[date gets back from the bathroom]
those batman toys in the tub are so cute! How old are your kids?
“kids?”
[Gets on one knee]
Margaret-
[Pulls out ring]
Will you- will you please hide this, Gollum won’t stop following me.
The best thing about humans is that many of the richest and most prosperous among us collect bottles of rotten grape juice.
*hears crying*
*finds baby in dumpster*
*sees large box full of N64 games*
*looks around*
“You didn’t see anything, baby.”
*takes box*
I ate a bag of Doritos and immediately followed it with half a giant bag of gummy bears and surprisingly enough I do not feel good now
Ugh I hate being a celeb my fans are always asking me “when is your next rent check going to drop?” & “when can we expect you to pay us back for covering your rent last month?” It’s like respect my privacy please.
My favorite body pillow is warm and fluffy and barks if anyone tries to touch me.
Wife: WHY are the boys wearing fishnet stockings?
Me: You SAID they needed to learn how to Cher.
[trying to sneak a water bottle through security]
TSA agent: Good evening sir
Me: Nothing
Man, my tummy really hurts, I should probably have another latte and a third and fourth croissant about it
English Language: ‘I before E, except after C’.
Keith: That’s not true.
English Language: Don’t make it weird.
Keith: But you just..
English Language: Wow ur feisty this morning, someone hasn’t had their caffeine lol
I swear they do that thing where they close a lane of traffic, cut out holes, and then refill them with new concrete just to piss me off
I don’t really argue with people. They just all end up washing ashore miles away under mysterious circumstances.
MAFIA BOSS: Did you take him out?
ME: Yeah we went to watch Black Panther
MAFIA BOSS: wtf I’m asking if he was blown away
ME: Oh definitely, it’s a pretty awesome movie
flight attendant: is there a doctor on board
me: i have a doctorate in mathematics
flight attendant: this man is dying
me: minus one
Trust my gut? The thing that gets overwhelmed by dairy
I just want the courage to stick with my choice of medium sized refreshments after the cashier tells me that large is just 25 cents more.