what’s your favorite christmas song about punching a cough drop? mine’s deck the halls
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in hindsight, grumbling about my mother having 30 pairs of slippers was ill-timed in coinciding with the arrival of my 12 pairs of Old Navy flip-flops
Just overheard someone say “it’s Friday somewhere” lmao. Like… it’s just… not.
*looks at 4 children*
“You leave me no choice.”
*eats last 3 cookies*
my aunt: why u kids always on them phones cant u have a real conversation
me: *puts down phone* *crosses legs* why did u melt the ice caps
How many boxes of Thin Mints do I need to eat before I start seeing results?
This is the dumbest apocalypse ever
JOKER: Why so serious
ME: Have you seen the news?
JOKER: Ok fair
The vegetable crisper or as I call it, the cold garbage can.
WANTED: Call center workers with very weak english, poor communication skills and short temper needed for major bank. Bonus paid for low IQ.
my sentiments exactly
For those of you worried about AI, I think we’ve got a few more years before Skynet is an issue.
[Barnes and Noble]
CASHIER: anything else?
ME: four barns and your finest noble please
CASHIER: get out
(me hosting a paranormal show): you look like you’ve seen a ghost!
Director: for the tenth time please stop saying that
The walk of shame but it’s my toddler handing back his string cheese because he could not in fact open it himself
Can’t
I’m serenading the neighbors with my harmonica at 2am
Yea girl, he’s your soulmate. And her soulmate, and her soulmate, and….ya know.
Drive thru window: Sorry, did you want fries with that?
My brain: He’s asking because you look like you eat a lot of potatoes
I have two sisters. One sent me a package with tinsel filler and a glitter card. Now I have one sister.
[job interview]
What experience do you have plucking chickens?
Me: See all those hairs on my chin?
No.
Me: Exactly.
SCHRÖDINGER: *Kneels down* Hey buddy, so… I have some news about your cat.
SON: Is it good news or bad news?
SCHRÖDINGER: Yes.
my friends are so lucky i can’t do a backflip, i would be so fucking annoyinggg
I set my alarm extra early so I have enough time to lay in bed & be angry about having to wake up
When someone accuses me of making up a word I severely chastigate them.
On a girl’s vacation while drunk, we all bought hotdogs and then tried to give someone directions. I gestured so emphatically that I slung the wiener right out of my bun and into the street, and then ate it anyway because a $5 dog is a $5 dog. Follow me for more financial advice
Brat summer over. Time for Farfalle Fall.
I would actually consider watching The Bachelor if one of the girls was a Praying Mantis.
Tinder: Meet people within a few miles
Twitter: Meet people within a few thousand miles
Dating me is like a walk in the park – Jurassic Park.
Me: [sees bath water is bright yellow] I thought we ran out of those colored bath tablets.
Son #2: [in bath] We did.