What’s your favorite position?
Me: sleeping
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There was romance over dinner last night.
Me to my husband: If we weren’t married, I’d marry you based on these potatoes.
[November 2030]
*at the ocean*
“don’t forget your oil block, 800 spf sunblock and your radiation suits”
Kids: This fish has three heads
*literally any business fails*
journalist: ahh yes, the millennials
Friend: I’ve been so productive lately! Today I’m gonna organize my closet, color code my bookshelf and bake allllll the bread.
Me: That’s awesome. I’m gonna try to keep my phone from going below 20%.
If I owned a dog daycare I would call it Deez Mutts
I want to be a dog and have someone feed me treats for sitting down.
Funny how bullies only bully people who are susceptible to bullying.
They don’t bully people who’d throat punch em without thinking twice.
80% of being Donald Trump is just worrying that the wind will blow your weird combover in the wrong direction.
When you smile and laugh and pretend you heard a word they said.
~ Night club conversations and marriage
IT guy: what seems to be the problem
me: hi uhh my computer won’t turn off and back on again
IT guy: [covers phone] what do I do
“I love you. I’d do anything for you.”
-let me see your phone real quick
“You’re smothering me. I need some space”
The roof of my mouth just healed from a McDonald’s apple pie I had in 1999
White people don’t dance at concerts so they can save all their energy for the “Woo!” at the end of a song.
If cartoons are a reliable guide, the secret to never ageing is wearing the same clothes every day.
Smoking will kill you. Bacon is bad for you.
But smoking bacon will cure it.
Once I burned my Trailer down when I left a candle burning after a romantic date. To keep my street cred, I claimed it was a meth explosion.
People with infectious laughs make me want to be a better laugher.
My office got a shredder, so now I have to buy a turtle costume to fight it on Monday. Work is hard.
My cat just wrote the Great American Novel. Let me read you a page, “Meow meow meow meow meow meow.” Dunno, think it’s a little pretentious.
Director: Ok, this time you have to say the butter part
Owen Wilson: wow
Director: The whole thing Owen, “Wow, I can’t believe it’s not butter”
Owen Wilson: wow
Welcome to twitter, someone will be disrespecting you shortly.
4yo: Can I have powder on my pizza?
Me: You mean parmesan cheese?
4: I don’t like cheese. I want powder
Me: *Gives parmesan cheese
4: *Happy
One time, when the kids were teenagers,
we tried to ditch them on a family holiday.It didn’t work, unfortunately.
They found us.
the dark web is just a goth google.
90% of my vocabulary is comprised of words I’m hoping you don’t realize I made up.
“You’re a ten?”
“On the PH scale, Cuz you basic.”
I forgot to bring my bags to the grocery store, people looked at me like I drove there on an aerosol can, then slit a baby seal’s throat.
If video games really made people violent, I would be jumping on every turtle I saw.