Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

when u get caugt lying on ur resume but u still try to convince the interviewer that ur qualified for the job

Reached the age where I have to do like 150 healthy things every day just so it doesn’t hurt when I burp.

Whenever the Starbucks guy asks for my name I laugh and whisper “I’m seeing someone”

‘What’s in the box? What’s in the box? WHATS IN THE BOX!?’ I shout. ‘Ha ha, just kidding my name is Drew and I’m your new gynaecologist’

8: “Ugh having a mom is so stressful”

– My son when I asked him to hold the door open for me

I’m so glad I had a kid so instead of relaxing in the bath, I can have someone explain Minecraft to me in painful detail.

I’m waiting to board my flight at the airport and I just saw a woman finish her book, stand up and angrily throw it in the bin.

Friend Who I Haven’t Seen in a While: your kid’s gotten so big! what is he, four?
Me: i have no idea what he’s for

Please pray for my friends’ 4-year-old. They found out today 7 minutes of his life wasn’t photographed or videotaped and put on Facebook.

Love how Gatorade “flavors” are like “icy charge” and “Cascade crash” and “Arctic blitz” instead of things that would even remotely indicate what you’re about to taste

I hate it when my 4th grader doesn’t get an 100% on her school project.
I mean, I really worked on it.

[elementary school]
BULLY: gimme your lunch money
ME: no
B: *grabs me by shirt* I said give it
M: ok but this has to stop I’m your teacher

Car’s automatic gearbox shit itself and I was staring down the barrel of a £7.5k repair job, gingerly drove the car home to ‘think it over’ and someone drove right up my arse and wrote it off. I couldn’t stop smiling at the side of the road, the guy thought I was a psychopath.

Don’t forget to cut me off so you can be the first person to the red light.

I think airplanes would be way cooler if the wings flapped like a bird

[at the general store]

me: one general please

Things that won’t save you:
– Love
– Art
– Books
– Philosophy
– Poetry

Things that will:
– Watching a seagull pretend like they’re innocently walking past someone at the beach but at the last second they steal their sandwich and fly away and the person chases after them yelling.

Sure, make fun of my cargo shorts but sooner or later you’re going to need a martini shaker or a map of 11th century France.

[spelling bee]
JUDGE: your word is “bananas”
GWEN STEFANI: oh hell yes

I want a car horn that shouts obscenities.

(to the tune of We Will Rock You)

I feed my dog dog food

Realizing im one of those people who peaked in high school because that was the last time an authority figure accused me of being a witch

Pro Tip: If you’re searching for Moana You Tube video clips for your kids, DO NOT forget the ‘a’ on the end.

If you’re over 60, don’t shovel snow

Hilarious when peoples outgoing voicemail message says they “can’t make it to the phone right now.” You carry the phone with you. It’s the only constant in your life

Playdates were invented to force parents into cleaning their home.

Me: [selling like-new truck on Facebook Marketplace for $27k]

Buyer message: $50

To the thief who stole my self-cloning machine, how can you live with yourself??

[hitchhiking]
Driver: I hope you’re not a serial killer, haha
Me *getting in*: well, I wouldn’t say ’serial‘

Superman’s first day at the daily planet.

Boss: Since you’re new, you might need supervision.

Clark: I have that, superhearing too.