What’s your favorite position?
Me: sleeping
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Taking a screenshot on windows: *gently press screenshot button*
Taking a screenshot on Mac:
Command + shift + 3 + Steve Jobs’ birthday + 3.14159 + a drop of human blood
My friend likes going out.Recently he went out of his mind.
God: i’m sorry the answers no.
Jellyfish: please?
God: it’s just too ridiculous.
Jellyfish: don’t I deserve a best friend?
God: yes but-
Jellyfish: pretty please? : (
God: I can’t just make a PeanutButterfish
1) Throw a ball of yarn into a fencing battle 2) Wait until the fight is over 3) Retrieve your fully-knitted sweater
Still hold my high school’s record for shortest javelin toss.
[Wildebeest being lowered Mission Impossible-style from a helicopter to graze the grasses of Buckingham Palace]
Shout out to the zillow listing where someone was just like eff it, the giant bottle of vodka stays in the kitchen pic
I bought “extra whitening” toothpaste and now my teeth are spending a year in Korea teaching English
My answer to most questions is an intelligible grunt, a flustered pointing motion, & a 3 hour nap.
When I’m in a room full of toddlers, I can’t help but scan it for potential serial killers
If the good lord did not intend for me to eat this entire bag of chili cheese fritos then he wouldn’t have made them so delicious
Amen
When I die bury me with a whole mess of buffalo wings so future archaeologists will think I was some crazy human – chicken hybrid.
Don’t ever forget where you came from. That’s most likely where you left your car.
[someone says a word I’ve never heard before]
Me: *nods in agreement*
My boys are all taking a week break from electronics. This morning I introduced myself to them and showed them around our home. then I took them outside and showed them the big bright light in the sky.
Chess is my favourite game but I don’t play favourites
if a staircase can spiral so can i.
Me: What’s the first step of fire safety?
4-year-old: Stay away from dragons.
Me:
4:
Me: Well, obviously.
“Yogurt!”
Gurt: “Yes?”
Nothing makes me second-guess my language like a little voice chirping, “Mommy, I found your freaking measuring spoons.”
Bad cop *plants drugs in perps car*
Gardener cop *adds mulch & Miracle-Gro®*
boss: hi
me: *pretends to read an email*
boss: did u just say “pretends to read an email”
I’ve worked several high-pressure corporate jobs, but I never put more effort into the way I look than when I’m working with kids. Like, the CEO of a company never asked me what happened to my hair or why I’m dressed like Beetlejuice.
i may or may not be making of small casserole with a half pound of cheese, minimum. maybe a whole pound. maybe more. maybe it will be more cheese than casserole. who knows? not me. stop telling me what to do
Waiting for a Sesame Street episode where Elmo puts paper over Rocco, killing him instantly
These work great until they don’t.
I ate an entire pound of blueberries today so honestly I hope some oxidants try to step to me I’ll send them crying to their mommies
Cop: you’re going to prison for forgery
Me *slides him a 37 dollar bill* what about now
“It’s your father; he’s been hitting the sauce pretty hard.”
*My father stumbles in with hollandaise in a highball glass* wassssssup!
The horror of being warned that the person you’re about to meet is “fine once you get to know them”