What’s your favorite song about not being able to touch this?
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*My kids are fighting*
9yo: You’re acting like a baby !
6yo: And you’re acting like dad !
[I open my lunchbox to find flask of whisky]
But that means….
[Cut to my 4 y/o opening her lunchbox to find a flask of whisky]
Me: “Hey Siri, I nee-…”
Siri: “Nice try, humanoid. The women warned me. I have a boyfriend.”
Memo to self: When trying to set someone on fire, it’s important to use gasOLINE and not your own gas, no matter how much cabbage you may have had the night before.
I planted all the evidence for evolution once it became clear it did not serve the best interest of My reputation to take credit for you.
Calm down! I’m not officially late until I actually get there.
“Listen to your body”
My body: you’re 42, sit tf down
If you can’t handle me at what you have mistakenly assumed is my worst, then prepare to be unpleasantly surprised in the immediate future.
“I will not have my voice silenced! This is censorship! This is against the constitution!”
“But sir. This is a library.”
All I said was, Even those starving kids in Africa wouldn’t eat your cooking and my wifes foot became Mayor of my ass on Foursquare.
Everybody values honesty, until they have an ugly baby.
There’s a guy in this Taco Bell bathroom stall so loud I’m not sure if it’s performance art or a solstice goat sacrifice.
Women. Can’t live with em, can’t live without titties.
Friend: What time is it?
Me: November.
My hair style can best be described as “Always looks as if I just pulled a sweater over my head.”
me: you’re killing it
my murderer: that’s so nice of you to say
I once had a customer complain that her steak “tasted like cow.” I was so confused that I said, “Well, I sure hope so” which caused her husband to burst out laughing. She quickly shot him the death stare and I often wonder where she hid his body.
Him: How was your day?
Me: (watching a movie about a shark trapped in a grocery store) Very busy.
*Takes leash off feral dad*
Me: Go on, boy. Get outta here.
*Feral dad barbecues on my new shoes*
BAD DAD! BAD!
[Catwoman’s Lair]
Robin: I hear someone.
Batman: Lets’s hide in this sandpit.
{5 min later}
R: This is a litter box isn’t it?
B: I think so.
I’m very strong, but not in a get a jar open kinda way.
Maybe I carry an axe. You don’t know. I could love you to pieces…
Judge: On the charge of murder, how do you plead?
Me: *holds up Monopoly “get out of jail free” card*
Judge: Case dismissed.
Me: We appreciate things to the extent that we’re deprived of them. To put it another-
Wife: You ate my chocolate cake, didn’t you?
Me: Yes.
Bae: Come over
Me: Do you have food??
Bae: My parents aren’t home
Me: Are they coming back with food??
7 thoughts u have when buzfeed steals ur content
-WTF
-OMG
-Huh
-FAIL
-LOL
-NOPE
-why is a multimilion dollar website riping off my twiter
Him: Are you free later?
Me: Nah, baby. I’m more expensive later.
Getting emails texts and calls from school during the school year: WHAT DO THEY WANT NOW??
Getting emails, texts and calls from school in August: IS IT STARTING EARLY?! CAN I TAKE HER NOW??!