What’s your favorite song?-Me, to a baby wearing a Metallica shirt at the grocery store.
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“Am I as bored as you are?” can be read backwards and still make sense.
Star Wars Episode 7? What’s next, Star Wars Episode 8???
Cameraman here. If I’m in the newsroom during a live news broadcast I ring my mates and they get their kids to watch, as I tell them to look at the newsreader’s shoulder, at which point I stand up and magically appear in the background. The kids love it.
[toddler birthday party]
Stranger: my child is 36 months old. how old is yours?
Wife: mine’s-
Me: hey babe, I hurt my toe in the bouncy house. can you drive to the ER so I can eat my cake?
Wife: -432 months.
<Enter Password>
Morningbreath
<Password too strong>
Her: Well, I don’t want to look a gift horse in the mouth…
Me: Then don’t floss in a mirror.
Me: “Would you like to go on a date?”
Her: “Yes”
Me: “Yeah, it’s cool, I was kind of kidding anyway.”
“Wait, what?!”
secret recipe
Name another movie that mislead you?
Priorities
Hell hath no fury like a toddler who didn’t really want you to take a bite of the cookie he offered you
I had an important meeting with my kids. I’ve been waiting to have this talk for a while. I started the meeting by grabbing the toothpaste. I made eye contact with all of them and then very slowly put the cap back on. It was a shocking demonstration, but I think they got it.
me: *taking off shirt* YOU WANT A PIECE OF ME???
dermatologist: once again, it’s called a biopsy
2001 A Space Odyssey 2
The spaceship returns
HAL is just as uncooperative as ever.
He never works.
He becomes the basis for Windows 10.
[At astronomy convention]
For the last time, Bob. No one wants to see Uranus.
Son got a RC drone for Christmas. Used it twice and never touched it again. I’ve become a bit of an expert on it chasing the neighbour’s cat out the garden when he comes for a dump. I can get the drone on and out the window in thirty seconds and chase him across six gardens.
They say “do something today that makes the world a better place”…….so I’m getting drunk.
Scary is handing your car keys to the same kid who unintentionally locked himself in the bathroom that morning.
What the world needs is a self help movie, cause lets face it, most of us won’t buy the book.
for pi day i will be going as a cutie pie
“Age ain’t nothing but a number.” Bro, age is a word.
Bananas should have really loud wrappers, like hey, look at me, I’m eating fruit!
Candy should have soft wrappers like, shhhh, I’m a loser.
Bad news travels fast. #TravelFail
i’ve got a bag of quarters and the afternoon off. 👀
At my funeral please take that bouquet of flowers off my coffin and throw it to the crowd to see who’s next
[1st Date]
him: oh do you have a twitter?
me: oh yeah, here you can look at it
him: *scrolls in silence*
him, pushing bowl of potato soup away: yeah I don’t think this is going to work out
ADULT: I’ll have a $2 juice.
BARTENDER: For $13 more we’ll add 1.5 ounces of something that makes it taste bad.
A: Oo, yes I’ll take that.
It’s not truly a junk drawer until you have a bag of rubber bands, keys that fit no lock in your house, instructions for things you no longer own, a half-used tube of super glue, pens with questionable utility, and at least five likely dead AA batteries.