Now I can’t wear my nude crystal dress this weekend.
What’s your favorite song?-Me, to a baby wearing a Metallica shirt at the grocery store.
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Just convinced the teen up the street that he needs to change the winter air out of his tires and put in summer air. Don’t do dope, kids.
My wife asked me to bring her home a dozen Roses, and I really hope she appreciates the gesture, because it took 9 hours, 5 nursing homes, and 2 church bingo games to collect them all.
bicycle cop: im taking you to jail
me [sarcastic voice]: should i ride on your pegs or walk next to you
[segway cop just dying laughing]
“Removing my make up”
Or how I like to call it:
“Reset face to factory settings”
what if we pronounced “envelope” like “penelope”
“I’m going to live with you guys forever”
My five year old threatened
Woman: [blushing] I was told there wasn’t a single werewolf left in the world.
Werewolf: there isn’t. I’m married.
Boy, was I disappointed when I found out canoodling doesn’t involve actual noodles.
BODY: This is weird. Must have an asthma attack.
*Anything else changes*
MIND: This is weird. Must have a panic attack.