@Ivsy01

What’s your favorite song?-Me, to a baby wearing a Metallica shirt at the grocery store.

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@Eightinchgoat

Just convinced the teen up the street that he needs to change the winter air out of his tires and put in summer air. Don’t do dope, kids.

@UncleDuke1969

My wife asked me to bring her home a dozen Roses, and I really hope she appreciates the gesture, because it took 9 hours, 5 nursing homes, and 2 church bingo games to collect them all.

@EJGomez

bicycle cop: im taking you to jail

me [sarcastic voice]: should i ride on your pegs or walk next to you

[segway cop just dying laughing]

@heroinsdemise

“Removing my make up”

Or how I like to call it:

“Reset face to factory settings”

@Phook75

“I’m going to live with you guys forever”

My five year old threatened

@RegularFred

Woman: [blushing] I was told there wasn’t a single werewolf left in the world.
Werewolf: there isn’t. I’m married.

@Mom_Overboard

Boy, was I disappointed when I found out canoodling doesn’t involve actual noodles.

@MaraWritesStuff

*Weather changes*
BODY: This is weird. Must have an asthma attack.
*Anything else changes*
MIND: This is weird. Must have a panic attack.