What’s your favorite song?-Me, to a baby wearing a Metallica shirt at the grocery store.
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the person who wrote the program that estimates how much time is left on a software update did not take their job seriously at all
There’s a couple breaking up so loudly on the sidewalk in front of my house! He said WHO ARE YOU GONNA TAKE TO YOUR SISTER’S WEDDING NEXT WEEKEND? She said MOZZARELLA STICKS! Which is a valid and devastating blow.
If you fear that a giraffe has killed your wife and stolen her identity, these are the signs to look out for:
WIFE: how’s dinner
ME: these mashed potatoes are dank
WIFE: is that bad or good
ME: …
WIFE: …
ME: I don’t know
[comedy club]
GIRAFFE: What’s the deal with scarves?
TORTOISE: [in the audience] lmao this guy gets it
Genie: You have three wi–
Me: [trying to stuff him back into his container because I didn’t want to talk to anyone today]
I’ve been a single mom for over a year and have not experienced my meet cute for my future husband in the grocery store…wtf
Your wife is beautiful, is she single?
Parent Tip: don’t tell your child “I’m waiting, I can wait all day if I have to” unless you’ve actually cleared your schedule for the day.
12yo: can I play video games?
Me: no, come chat with me
12yo: ok what’s corp? The boys were talking about “corn with a p” at school
Me: go play video games
“Read that again”
No thanks, it sucked the first time.
Nurse: Hi I’m Sandi I’ll be drawing your blood today.
Me: [not seeing a single red crayon] How?
Doctor said only clear liquids before surgery. Vodka should qualify just fine.
crow 1: wanna hang out?
undercover cop crow: you’re busted for attempted murder
*Goes to the store*
*Buys donughts, doughnut holes, and glue*
i’m at the potluck telling everyone i saw a house centipede crawl into cheryl’s artichoke dip bc i overheard her call my pumpkin pie puff pastry pockets ‘mid’
Once accidentally liked an insta of someone I hadn’t spoken to in yrs so I had to like 1/2 her entire feed & reach out abt getting lunch
A guy on Intervention is named Bryceton, I thought the intervention was for the parents having more kids
Them: You’re too focused on revenge
Me: Oh yeah? We’ll see about that
I never finish what I start. I have a black belt in partial arts.
when I order a bagel I have them butter the outside too so I can just let it slide down my throat like I’m a pelican
Please don’t block me. 🤣🤣🤣
It was worth a shot 😂
for years you mocked us, you made fun of our over-sized purses full of goldfish crumbs, our hair ties on our wrists, our jackets just in case, but who do you need now? who has 6 half-full containers of hand-sanitizer stored in old bags around the house? that’s right. moms.
Shout out to the people who deleted their twitter accounts on New Years, see you in a few days
“Dude, do you NOT know what a collar on the doorknob means?”
Hamburger Hinderer.
cause of death:
autopsy.
All you dads out there couldn’t hold a candle to my dad. He’s petrified of candles.
You know when you do Secret Santa and you give the person a gift card, glove and scarf set in handmade gift bag you sewed yourself and you get a stained coffee mug with Halloween candy in it?
That.