What’s your favorite song?-Me, to a baby wearing a Metallica shirt at the grocery store.
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My kid didn’t like how his stuffed animal was behaving, so he renamed him Not-Listening-Ostrich, and I’m just over here wondering how to update some birth certificates
Elmer Fudd married Bugs Bunny. Twice. I think they had a better shot than you.
– me as a marriage counselor
I wanted to lose 10 pounds this year. Only 13 to go.
Every time my neighbor puts his kayak on top of his car, I strap a bunch of pool noodles on top of mine. Two can play this game.
Pretty much the only time I WANT to hear about your ex is if she’s standing behind me with a weapon, other than that I’m good.
I wonder if under reasons for divorce Elvis wrote, “A little less conversation, a little more action please”
Do I hate when people answer their own questions? Yes.
Me: I miss baseball
Umpire: Strike one!
Mrs. Jekyll: I’m eating for two
Dr. Jekyll: oh no not you too
Son: Do you know what Sin City is?
Me: Las Vegas.
S: Okay do you know what Den City is?
M: I have no clue.
S: Mass over volume.-I almost said Denver 🤦♀️
4yo *holds out a play cellphone*
It’s for you.Me: Who is it?
4yo: Someone about an extended warnty.
Me: Son of a ….
If your tweet gets stolen and posted on Facebook…
It’s your own fault for not making it offensive enough!
Me: I dropped my phone in the toilet
Wife: Have you tried rice?
Me: *deep sigh* Of course, but this isn’t the time for a snack, Linda
me: there’s a bunch of cars following us
date: yes we’re on a rollercoaster
Did you know pigs have orgasms that last 30 minutes?
This is God thanking them for bacon.
Why do all these blurry people keep telling me I’m drunk?
[job interview]
Him: Do you use drugs or alcohol?
Me: No.
Him: What’s your salary requirement?
Me: To be able to afford drugs & alcohol.
Nothing shocks you quite like finding out your friend’s younger sibling is an adult with a job and family and is not 12 years old anymore.
What if the hobbits couldn’t fly the eagles into Mordor because the eagles were made by Boeing
The Dalai Lama and Gandhi aren’t the same? I thought they were basically Miley Cyrus/Hannah Montana. I feel like people are messing with me.
They only arrested Justin Bieber cause he’s black.
Me: I’m here for Unreliable Club
Guy: The meeting was yesterday
Me: I know
Guy *under breath* holy shit this guy’s good
OTHER KIDS IN RESTAURANT: Restlessly coloring on a placemat waiting for food.
MY KIDS: Have already flipped over a booth & set it on fire.
The first three quarters of a meeting takes three quarters of the time, and the last quarter takes the other three quarters of the time.
Take care of yourself, ladies
Age is just a number….that now takes a really long time to scroll to.
I literally never cry, so my body makes up for it by leaking out of different places. My doctor says it’s called “peeing” what a dumb idiot.
6: What are you making? It smells terrible!
Me: *literally just boiling water*
This diet is probably gonna end in murder, but still pretty excited. I’m gonna look so skinny in my mugshot!