“What’s your favourite childhood memory?”
Not paying bills.
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Always.
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HER: Take a shower with me. 😊
ME: Haha no, I always hog the hot water and you’ll get upset.
HER: Please. 😊[5 minutes later]
HER: I’m so cold…
ME: *mouth around the shower nozzle* GLUG GLUG GLUG
I have the flu. And as a parent, that means absolutely nothing about my day changes.
I always smile really big at people in public. Tends to freak them out, out cause I’m not good at putting on lipstick.
Deathbed confession
Me: We’re bankrupt
Him: What? How?
Me: I lied about being able to fold fitted sheets. I bought new ones every time
I wear lipstick when I go into Walmart so people know I’m not approachable or one of their kind
The company hates when I helicopter into work.
It’s always, “zip up your pants and go see HR now!”
When you’re married, it’s important for you both to work on keeping the magic alive and chained up in the basement where it can’t escape.
[FIRST DAY AS A NUDE MODEL]
INSTRUCTOR: Sir, we need you to take off your socks.
ME: (chuckles) Oh, sorry.
INSTRUCTOR: (clears throat) All three of them.
Told my boss I would be turning in my badge and my gun. He said you work in IT, why do you have a gun.
Rock bottom implies the existence of paper bottom and scissors bottom.
“Can you uncut my spaghetti?” -3yo, leveling up her absurd demands game
I have to stop saying “Because I’m Batman” all the time. It’s not cute anymore. Oh wait. Yea it is! You know why? Because I’m Batman.
WIFE:The pinata is in the tree out back
ME:Huh? I sent the kids to the one in front
W:What one in front?
*angry bees are just everywhere*
Today I did a task I have been dreading for about a month, it took 30 minutes and it was fine.
…. I have learned nothing.
hacker: ready?
weapons guy: I was born ready
[25 years earlier]
doctor: it’s a boy!
midwife: where did he get nunchucks
Called the plumber today to come fix my toilet but had to play it off like I didn’t know how all those wine corks got down there, so I blamed the cat.
Realtor: this house is cursed
Me: *scared of the supernatural* oh no
Realtor: WITH AN EXTREMLY REASONABLE MARKET PRICE
Me: oh ok
Realtor: on account of the bleeding walls and ritual sacrifices
Me: Oh No
Things that don’t kill bees
1. Furniture polish
2. Febreeze
3. Butter
4. Screaming
No one:
My kid: Mumma, you don’t have to worry about what happened in the kitchen.
Pay me and I’ll tell you whether or not your kid is actually cute.
Can’t speak for all women but generally I’ll just keep nagging until you agree with me, sometimes even after that. You know, for sport.
“Wanna see videos from my vacation?”
*shows home video of me eating a raccoon under a bridge
“This is the wrong video”
“No this is right”
Girl in the locker room put her pants on the floor and tried to hop into them. I was going to call her awesomepants, but coma girl works too
My brother in law sent us adorable Valentines from our 14 month old niece who we have never met (They live in Canada)
Her litlte red handprints are the card are so sweet…except it also kinda looks like she bathed in the blood of her enemies and then sent us a warning
Played Monopoly with a kid & argued that I CAN buy the jail.. Teaching him a valuable lesson about the privitisation of the prison system.
I just had the thought “pfft. Your father can’t die before you are born,” and I believed it for a full minute. Because I’m smert.
my fitness device congratulated me on “playing ice hockey” and told me i burned 300 calories over the past 20 minutes.
i was eating a Wendy’s baconator.
Authentic isn’t automatically good. You could be an authentic douchebag.
Nobody plays better together than siblings being told it’s bedtime