“What’s your favourite childhood memory?”
Not paying bills.
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netflix is definitely the most insecure of all the streaming services like be chill bb.
“That’s me in a nutshell.”
A peanut’s photo album.
Lying on the hammock while my wife does yard work. Don’t know exactly what she’s planting but the hole she dug is slightly bigger than me.
People say sausage dogs are impractical but how many golden retrievers can run a fresh toilet roll under the cubicle door?
If the stick figure people started committing more crimes… I could be a legendary sketch artist for the FBI.
“LOOK JUST GIVE US THE BREAD, BARBARA, WE DON’T WANT TO HURT YOU”
*getting kidnapped*
Me: wait, I need to pack 34 outfits
HER: Is that a potato in your pocket or ar-
ME: Yeah. I’m saving it for later.
If you want me to die in a horrible accident tell me there’s an ice cream bar at the top of a spiral staircase.
If the police don’t escort you out of Applebees then is it really a good date?
[at funeral] You really had to see him live
One time I accidentally listened to a John Mayer song & spontaneously generated 2 thumb rings before it was over.
its weird that when seltzer goes flat it doesn’t turn into regular water. you can still taste that something was Done To It
I may make a lot of typos when I text, but in my defense, I do have to look at the road sometimes.
[aircraft carrier]
*paints a T on the helipad*
Captain: No it has to have an H
Me: Why?
*train sounds approaching*
Captain: Oh dear god
Don’t get mad. Get odd. Like incredibly odd. Show up in a clown suit to their work. Draw potatoes on all their mirrors. Make them be afraid.
don’t ask me explain this but a golden retriever is like the 1990s in dog form
I turned to her and said “We’re all just seeking validation, aren’t we?” She just ignored me, stamped my parking ticket, and handed it back.
[At astronomy convention]
For the last time, Bob. No one wants to see Uranus.
me: so.. you know how you sometimes misplace stuff
wife: where’s the baby
Reasons to keep spiders around
1. Eat flying insects
2. Occasional source of protein during sleep
3. We make rad webs
4. They do i mean they
Everyone else: hold my beer
Me: *chugs beer* alright, let’s do this shit
Me (as bridesmaid):
*up at alter holding bouquet*
WAIT! STOP THE WEDDING!Priest: *stops talking*
Me: *runs down aisle and out of the church to catch ice cream truck*
as a non-catholic, i gotta say, christmas mass is a WILD ROLLER COASTER RIDE, sometimes the priest sing-talks in a muppet voice, sometimes everyone kneels except you, they do the secret club criss cross applesauce thing, a SURPRISE BELL rings sometimes, twists and turns abound
The concept of dominant hands is hilarious to me. That one of our hands is just like no, I’m not helping
Her: do we have an LED lightbulb
Me: you don’t have to spell it the kids are asleep
Executioners flirting:
You hang first.
No, you hang first.
*giggling*
No, you hang!
No you!
Me in the future: Son, you’re going to go far.
Son, fiddling with the catapult straps: I question your judgment daily.