Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

In Germany Die Hard is called The Hard

me: siiiiigh…f#ck these people

boss: you’re not on mute

me: i know.

“Give me your hand!”
“But-“
“You’re gonna have to trust me!”

Friend: are you ready for our hike?
Me: *filling my camelback with french onion soup* just about

“Oh, hey! I didn’t even recognize you!” means “I saw you and tried to avoid you, but here you are.”

4: I’M GONNA RIP YOUR EYEBALLS OUT
Me: Stop yelling violent things
4: *whispers* I’m gonna rip your eyeballs out

Never understood football. If I wanted to watch people run into each other I would just go to the mall on a Saturday.

” Don’t be upset”

Thanks man , I needed to be told that

I’m better now.

odysseus: we now set out on our odyssey.

sailor: [raising hand] what’s an odyssey?

odysseus: a long journey named after the only survivor.

sailor: oh ok wait what.

“If anyone knows a reason why these two should not marry, speak n-”

SHE ONCE COMMENTED ‘FIRST’ ON A YOUTUBE VIDEO

*ring bearer vomits*

Nativity season is upon us! My son has been cast as a wise man. My daughter, on the otherhand –

I did squats while eating my leftover pizza. I’m nailing this healthy lifestyle

Crows that are stuck together are called Vel-crows

Today’s kids will never know how to play Minesweeper – because neither did we 😂

Me in my 20’s: I graduated with honors

Me in my 40’s: I beat Waze to work

I used to mix metaphors but that ship has flown.

I couldn’t afford Botox so I just stopped making facial expressions about 15 years ago

“I hate karaoke.”

“It’s pronounced kah-rah-oh-keh.”

“Now, I hate you too.”

Sent an email to my Mom. Now I’m at her place showing her how to open it.

I’m scared of Botox and plastic surgery so my plan for turning 40 is Snapchat filters.

Apparrotly you can drop the names of birds into the start of sentences and people won’t even notice

Daughter:What’s a whore?

Me:Not now.

Daughter I’ll ask my aunt.

Me:You’re getting warm.

Daughter:Mom will know.

Me: You’re on fire!

Breakfast for Stoners:

Driving class: 10 and 2

Real life: 7 and french fries

Me: I know it’s weird but do you wanna see where my dad is buried?

Date: actually, I love graveyards

Me: *flipping on cellar light* graveyards?

Sure she mainly used knife emojis but at least she replied to your text.

4 years single just means I have a bachelor’s degree in being alone

I like my women like I like my coffee. I look at coffee but I am afraid to talk to it

Haiku is a cross
between poetry and math.
Satan’s handiwork.