Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Hahaha this stupid baby on the bus thinks they can cry louder than me

I’m chunky but I always wear activewear in public so that people think I’m at least doing something about it.

My husband wants me to do a dry January which I have no problem with. I’m on my second bottle of chardonnay right now

#wordsofwisdom
If it says, ‘Do not try this at home’ – go and visit a friend.

Dad called and asked how my weekend was and I gave him the whole rundown but it was just a lead in for him to tell me that he dragged a dead body out of a lake

I support Greenpeace because I care about environmental activism, just not enough to do any of the real work myself.

[god making cheetahs]
Let’s just squish a giraffe and give it whiskers

I finally opened the condom in my wallet and it had a beard.

Can’t, I’m in big trouble with the wife. I jokingly took credit for the inside Christmas decorations.

What if you’re only given pork to eat in the afterlife? Would that be eternal hamnation?

Don’t over-share.
Don’t over-share.
Don’t over-share.
Don’t over-share.
Don’t over-share.

HI I’M A NERVOUS POOPER.

… Nailed it!

Not to brag, but I can cure a man of having a thing for me in five minutes flat.

I can’t believe there’s a sex offender registry. Who’s buying gifts for these people?

Tomorrow…trade cell phones with your significant other for the day…see how many of you are single by the end of the day…

A toddler will look you dead in the eye and ask you if it’s Christmas soon when Christmas was yesterday

I would be okay with a ghost in the house if every time a bathroom mirror fogged up with steam, it slowly wrote out “DID YOU LOSE WEIGHT?”

You could date someone willing to catch a grenade for you I guess that’s cool but how about someone who always carries a tennis racket, wouldn’t that be a bit smarter?

Want to know what it’s like to have kids?
1. Gather everything you own.
2. Throw it all on the floor.
3. Pick it up.
4. Repeat for infinity.

One of my favorite scientific discoveries in recent years is that among domesticated animals, dogs recognize the difference between themselves and people, but cats just think the people who live with them are terrible incompetent cats

Me: I got a new blanket

My dogs:

mortgage broker: You’ll need proof of stable income.
me: no problem
broker: Where are you currently employed?
me: Spirit Halloween

You’re worried about the home hairdressing? Wait till you have to resort to home dentistry.

Shall I compare thee to a wooly worm?

Thou art more fuzzy and more ravenous

My son (4 years old), who has grown up watching us talk to Siri and Alexa, thinks you can talk to anything that has a screen or is plugged into the wall. This morning he told the toaster to order him a new lego set.

Me: oh look, there’s keith, don’t say anything, but he’s obsessed with doors. Oh, hi keith.

Keith: Shut it.

BREAKING: Pot calls kettle “black”. “Racial tension at boiling point” says mayor of kitchen cupboard

Gonna serve James Bond a stirred martini just to see if he even notices, that pretentious little shit

My daughter pulled on her pullover and a years worth of ketchup packets fell out.
“What’s all that?”
“You told me to get ready to go!”
“Where do you think we’re going that you need all that ketchup?”
“I think I’m going somewhere where they won’t have enough.”
Fair enough kid.

Do people who take performance enhancing drugs know nothing of coffee?