Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*sees any 3 stars in a row*

(confidently)
“that’s orion’s belt”

I drank a beer and then clipped my kid’s bangs, so tomorrow morning should be interesting

That “Barbie” movie is so popular they should make some merch for it. Maybe an actual doll or something.

3 Best Uses for Oven Timers:

1. Remind you of beer in the freezer
2. Pizza rolls
3. Notify guests when their time’s up & they should leave

Interviewer: there’s a long gap on your resume?

Me: Ah yes, you see I was dressing my toddler

Satan giving a tour of hell: “Over there we have people who make that sound when they chew gum and idiots who use hashtags on Facebook.”

No one likes my practical joke of licking all the spoons in their house at 3am and that’s why I need my feelings journal today

Boss: You’re late.

Me: Only in this time zone.

Apparently it doesn’t matter that in China I’d be 12 hours early.

Sorry I photobombed your mammogram.

Drinking 8 to 12 glasses of water a day is good for you because you spend more time in the bathroom and less time at your job.

Adobe update is ready to install *gazes longingly into the distance*, but I don’t think I am.

Naming that space movie Gravity makes about as much sense as naming Jurassic Park something like There’s No Dinosaurs In This.

I hate who I was when I packed a healthy dinner to bring to work

I walk around my yard with a fake neck tattoo so my neighbors will not ask me to watch their kids.

Child: Mom! You can’t go that way, it’s a one way street!
Me: Oh sweetie, that’s just a suggestion.

Facebook and Instagram are down so now I have to creep on my ex in person.

[first day in the army]

me: hi I like your slacks

him: stop calling them slacks they’re camo pants

me: ok but I also like your blouse

someone just broke into my house and inhaled all my air guitars

“You can’t stand there.”
“Not there, either.”
“Nope that spot’s taken, too.”

-Ground hogs

Girlfriend: [breaking up with me by phone] Hopefully someday it’ll be clear but you and I are not the same.

Me: Obviously not. They’re two different letters.

*click

It stops being sexy if you wait 14 hours to reply back.

Me: I’m nervous about dinner with your parents.
Wife: Why?
Me: I never know what to say.
Wife: Just be yourself. Say whatever is in your heart.
Me at dinner table: I hate all of you.

I’m not one for asking u guys to check out sites but please do.

Awesome site ~ _~ I’m really honored. @funTweeters

I accidentally had two energy drinks today and now my house is decorated for Christmas.

chumbawumba: i get knocked down, but i get up again

jesus: ok yes

Wife: why are there 8 knives on the ground?

Me: *points to the dead spider* it was self defence and that’s exactly what you’ll tell the cops when they get here

[Commercial for babies]
*100 year old woman trying to feed a brick a bottle of milk*
“There’s got to be a better way”

just remembered my uber driver who messaged me that he had to stop for something and showed up 12 minutes late with chocolate on his face

did it work

wile e. coyote running off a cliff and not falling until he looks down except it’s me stopping for a second mid-sentence to think about what i’m saying