“What’s your favourite Pixar film?”
“Up, yours?”
“No need to be like that I was only asking”
You Might Also Like
forgot to decorate for halloween so just gave my 7yo a pomegranate to eat and voilà! murder scene
Me: I just murdered Frank Sinatra
Cop: What?? He’s been dead for years
Me: I was at the karaoke bar
Cop: Oh I see lol
Me *puzzled* who the hell did I kill?
My resume is just an old VHS tape of the “Life Goes On” episode where Corky lip syncs “Fight the Power” for his school’s talent show.
Man texted: “I want you to be my little angle.”
I answered: “Do you want me to be obtuse, right, or acute?”Two days have passed, no reply.
Release that sexual frustration, get a burger.
It’s always good to tell people to “stay safe” during a distaster just in case they didn’t know.
Why can’t medications have positive side effects? Like “may make everything you eat taste like chocolate cake” or “may make you remember why you walked into that room the first time”.
[300 consecutive hours sitting at the same table]
waiter: [out of breath] and those are our local craft brews
I hope Hell freezes over soon. A few women have promised me dates when it happens.
“Hey, are you gonna eat this?”
Thinking outside the box.. 😅
If you’re in a revolving door with me, know that I’m only pretending to push.
a haunted house, but every room is just learning more about Will & Jada.
You know what a cubicle basically says? It says ‘We don’t think you’re smart enough for an office,but we don’t want you to look at anybody.’
my sister: snowboards
my brother: skateboards
me: charcuterie boards
I moved to this city ten years ago with nothing more than the money in my pocket and a debit card that gave me access to the rest of my money which was in a bank.
[rock climbing]
me: *out of breath*
Dwayne Johnson: ok get off me
My doctor advised me to ease back into my exercise regime. So, today I plan on driving past the gym slowly.
Sadly, no one came and cleaned my house while I was on vacation.
My husband says our family will never get a pet but yesterday I walked in on him baby talking the roomba.
Just got added to a list called “people.” Glad I made that cut.
[changing baby]
Me: I would like a very different baby, please
I still can’t believe Jesus was born on Christmas Day I mean what are the odds
Face ID doesn’t recognize me unless I’m chewing
[March 15]
Brutus: Going 2 the senate?
Caesar: yeah u?
Brutus: yep it’ll be killer
Caesar: how so?
Brutus: like cool u know rad senate stuff
Him: Going to Taco Bell, want anything?
Me: I’m just thirsty
Him: What do you want?
Me: Six tacos and a burrito
‘Pumpkin’ has got to be the weirdest pet name. How do you look at the person you cherish and adore and decide to call them the second largest squash in North America?
Margo: And why is the snow all wet, TODD?
Todd: I don’t KNOW, Margo!
acme was just mailing bombs and rockets and shit to a dog
When you’re on the couch being all comfy, snuggled under a blanket, a glass of wine on your left, a bag of chips on your right, the cat is sleeping on your lap, and you realize you forgot to put the remote within reach.
That’s the moment you wish you had kids.