Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

It’s world hepatitis day. Spread it around.

Just ate an order of cheese fries and smoke started coming out of my Fitbit.

Ignore her and she’ll go away, to buy a gun, but she’ll go away.

I’ve always wanted to buy 2 coffees, take them to a crime scene & while handing 1 to the officer in charge ask, “So, what do we have here?”

When Sting dies I’m calling him Stung.

“Daddy, how do you spell Budweiser?”

“Uhhh….why?”

“I’m drawing a picture of you for school.”

“Cool! It’s spelled G-A-T-O-R-A-D-E.”

DATE: oh u have an eyelash on ur cheek [picks it up] make a wish
ME (under my breath): i wish u wouldn’t touch my property

i’d rather go to jail than go camping. at least jail is inside

Put together a list of the PROS and CONS of pizza for those of you who are on the fence!

wanna reboot your brain?
eat spicy ramen

-hey don’t shoot me, i’m just the messenger!
-oh the letter says to shoot me? okay th-

I had a race with a smart car today.

I was winning at first but my God there’s so much I can walk.

“Describe yourself in three words”

“Lazy”

I’m sorry I gotta go. I’m gonna be late for my wife’s post grocery shopping orientation where we cover “snacks and treats that are meant for the kids.”

*at casino*

When he hands you $100 and asks you to go get chips, do not ask him Doritos or Lays. Get both.

It will leave him speechless.

My toddler wanted to take a spatula to the zoo and after a fierce round of negotiations I was able to talk her down to a spatula and a throw pillow.

Group therapist: What’s your biggest fear?

Wolfman: Silver bullets

Frankenstein: Fire

Dracula: Lasagna, spaghetti…you know, most Italian dishes.

So, my wife did NOT appreciate her Yelp review…

Marriage. Because your shitty day doesn’t have to end at work.

Me: [forgetting the word coconut] one hairy bowling ball please

Me (flirting) so what day do you have therapy? 😏

“we’re broke? how is that possible?”
(extremely high pitched voice)
no idea
“did you-”
*opens closet & hundreds of helium tanks fall out*

TEENS: You might find yourself “embarrassed” by certain things your body is doing, when in fact, you should be ashamed.

Dentist: Have you been brushing twice a day?

Me: *with immaculate hair* Pfft. More like five times.

Proper labeling of axes is absolutely crucial.

Just went through a month of transactions on my bank account because someone has been spending my money… and lo and behold – it was me

Was today a good day? No.
BUT
Did I manage to make it through the whole day without running over my own purse with my car?
Also no.

There is a closet in my office men’s room. I have left it slightly ajar & put a clown mask in there.

Now there is piss all over the floor.

[lost at sea]
Me: *sees giant shark* yeah, we’re gonna –

Movie nerd: NEED A BIGGER BOAT?!

Me: – die.

Being a Zombie doesn’t sound that bad. You don’t have a job and your entire day is spent looking for things to eat. Shit, I do that now.