“What’s your greatest strength?”
Shadow puppetry
“Seriously?”
[interviewer presses intercom button] “Pat, please bring a flashlight in here”
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You know what else is crazy?
*googles synonyms for crazy*
GF: …I’m pregnant
ME: *holding a 10-piece chicken nuggets box that actually has 11 nuggets* I’ve also got some pretty big news
Putting glasses on a Mr. Potato Head and asking if he’s just gonna be a spec tater his whole life.
I spend a lot of time alone
[a movie on dvd]
ugh, i’ve seen that a million times[the same movie on tv with commercials]
OOH, IT’S JUST STARTING
My husbands signature move is running to town “real quick” and coming home 5 hours later.
if you were born before 1996 you are a millennial
if you were born after 2005 you are gen z
if you were born in between then you are an honorary member of the black eyed peas
Ok, but if Kit Kats are filled with other broken Kit Kats, how did they make the first Kit kat ever?
DOCTOR: Don’t be embarrassed. Taking trousers off is normal for a prostate exam.
ME: Err yeah I guess. Should I take mine off too?
Right now, I need a Transformer that can turn into a blender that’s not broken.
Tip of the day: Don’t try to scratch an itchy ankle while on a treadmill.
I don’t drink blood to stay young. I do it mainly for the lifestyle.
Me: No more talking. Good night.
10: Did you know you could throw a rock into a big body of water and be the last person to touch that rock until the end of time?
Mispronouncing French phrases can be a real social fox piss.
me: i’ve been hearing voices
psychiatrist:
me:
psychiatrist: u don’t have a psychiatrist
My mothers nearly 80 and she still doesn’t need glasses. She drinks right out of the bottle!
Every time I clean my dog’s water bowl, she has put a piece of dry spaghetti in there. Where is she getting the spaghetti? Why is she not eating it? Is she softening it? For how long? Do I leave it? This has been happening for months.
Dad: HEY come here, did you go to school with this guy on tv?
Me: Dad, that’s Spongebob Squarepants
Dad: Must’ve been in your sister’s class
When algebra teachers retire, how do they deal with the aftermath?
Upon finding I was going to the dentist to have a tooth pulled, I did what any 6 year old would do and armed myself with rocks that I threw at him as soon as he came in
I ended up getting a spanking AND my tooth pulled but no way was I going down without a fight.
Shout out to the top 5 suits in the world, 3-piece, zoot, swim, law and birthday.
mentally somewhere in italy
WIFE: you can’t just deep-fry everything
ME: what do you mean?
WIFE: I mean put down the cat
if you can’t handle me at my worst, you’re probably that gutless Outback Steakhouse shift manager who called the cops on me last night
I like how your profile picture is you at your wedding, so are you like a professional bride
Dear young cashier,
$100.89 is not pronounced $189.
Signed, a lady you scared
Coffee is great because if you drink too much you realize there are tiny spiders under your skull weaving hair.
It’s important to remember where you parked the get away vehicle.
“You’re the Garbage Man, eh? What’s your super power?”
“I’m just here to take out the trash.”
“Whoa, we’ll get to your catch phrase later.”
Him: Amazon Prime and chill?
Her: That’s not something people say.
Him: Sure it is. Bing it.
Her: Also not a thing.